Hubby got fired!!

[MPTDAT]

Ok, here goes!! First, DH is my one true best friend and he is very handsome! I tell him that all the time especially since he just grew a beard. (although he is worried about gray being in it!!, I think he looks sophisticated!) He is trying all that he can to get a job, I do realize that. He has his resume on every job board in our area. he has been on quite a few interviews also. Second, we did spend most of the weekend talking and arguing, unfortunatly, and that had nothing to do with my friend. It was pretty much us getting out everything that bothers us about each other. Third, My male friend comes up to us when we are there, he genuinely likes DH. Fourth, my friends at the bar are either happily married or in serious relationships and most seem to have no problems going to the bar with or without their mates. This is a family bar and grill. We know each others kids and in the summer they have a cruise night in which classic cars are showcased. DH brings his '77 Mustang II. These people are literally my second family. But then alot of my real family is there also.  Fifth, there are bigger problems than just my friend. I have had two miscarriages in the past year and a half and that has played a big part of it. Sixth, he got his 401K out for us to live on while we are waiting for unemployment, it is over $12,000. We don't spend that much when we do go to the bar. Every other drink I have is a coke because I know I may end up driving home. They give those to me for free. Seventh, you did mention physical abuse, that sometimes does scare me. Although it has been awhile, 1992, he literally threw me against a table and left a bruise from one arm across my chest to my other arm when I was pregnant with my oldest son. He was arrested for domestic violence in 1996, he tried to run me over with his car. He had a habit of throwing things and destroying things when he got mad. He had to take mandatory anger abuse classes and he hasn't shown any symptoms or signs of abuse in a LONG time. But sometimes I am afraid to tell him things, afraid he will get very mad. I do love him with all my heart and the word divorce has never entered either of our minds to be honest with you. We just need some time away from each other for a while.

[angelsmom10]

With just about the same problems as you, I can only say.  Good luck, withdrawing from the 401k will cause financial hardship with the taxes, it throws everything into another ball park.  DH has been unemployed 3 times in the last 5 years and is currently unemployed since last May -- his have all been lay-offs due to either Y2K or 9/11 or just this past of being slow business for GE -- none of which have been his fault.  (NOT saying your DH's current situation was exactly his fault; but he does have to list WHY he is unemployed and even with explanation, it will stick out like a sore thumb).  We also have had maritial problems -- did seek counseling and to some extent it helped -- so I don't want to sway anyone's need for counseling by the fact, I'm not sure if it was the best thing for us because everything we did with the help of the counselor we had, we were already doing most of it ourselves; but we did do the counseling.

 
$12,000 will not last long and if you unemployment is like ours, it does help a little, but not as much as one would think and again the $12,000 will not last long.
 
Everyone hear is just trying to help by voicing their experiences/opinions.
 
Don't take what people are saying as a "judgement", but as caring advice.
 
I guess each of us could give someone a "run for their money" with problems; not everyone talks about them, but are willing to help with advice  -- and that's all it is - is advice -- take it or leave it -- it's FREE and lot is coming from experience.
 
 

[birol]

I agree with Angelsmom10, It is advise, and most of it is based on real life experience .....

In my humble opinion, your best bet is to go counselling, and talk with each other honestly, if you are both willing to save your marriage without any question marks. Me and DW had our differences (man is that an understatement or what) but we never allowed "a friend" to cause any friction between us, it was dealt with immediately the moment there was a potential for a misunderstanding, without me or DW voicing our opinion too much. Then again, that is what worked for us, we were always together, whether the air between us was good or not.


I hope your next post will be about counselling sessions being arranged ......


End as for getting money from 401K, I just don't know ...... We never touched our RRSP yet (401K Equivalent I guess). We have some money there, and I am thinking of getting it only to pay off the Windstar. It will barely pay it off, and we wouldn't dream of getting it and spending it. It is the only cash we have left .....Then again, that is us, being probably too conservative and paranoid.

[mikewilley]

A note on the $12k from DH's 401k.  That just increased DH's income for the year it was drawn in by $12k and taxes will have to be paid on that IN ADDITION to the withdrawl penalties.

I know, I had a similar situation, was forced to pull a similar amount from my 401k and the next April owed Uncle Sam another $4,000 which I had to set up on a payment plan.

Since YMMV better ask a tax professional, if you can't afford one, call the IRS and ask.

Our prayers are with you all.

mike

[MPTDAT]

My father-in-law is a CPA for the IRS. He assures us it is fine. The 401K is from his last job that he quit more than 5 years ago.The $12,000 is after penalties.

[B-flat]

Debby, you may not like what I am going to tell you because you are in denial about your situation. You say that you love him and at the same time you are afraid of him by not being able to tell him what you are feeling because he may get very mad. Jealousy and possessivenes, the humiliation of his searching your purse and checking caller Id all all danger signs which amount to psychological battering. There, I said it. You don't have to be hit to be abused, though these things just mentioned usually end up in physical abuse. Are the things he is doing to you the way someone treats the person they love? NO! It is all setting up for an even more painful phase. Is this what you really want? I think not! You are in an extremely intense and confusing emotional situation, making it difficult for you to see clearly what is happening. It appears that you are hooked in by FEAR and you stay in this relationship because of it. First, you have fear of survival, making it financially, fear of being poor, being the sole provider for your children and being alone. Secondly, you have a fear of how he makes you feel, are dependent on his love and approval, feeling distressed, and you are tolerating his irrational behavior. Third, you fear what he might do if you upset him. You say you love him but you know his potential, so this is not distorting reality, but accepting this as a condition of his love is distorting reality which amounts to collusion. You are actually aiding the situation by having pity toward him and at the same time turning it all inside yourself with denial because you don't know what to do. When you see yourself as powerless, you are not seeing things as they really are. Denial may be short term comfort but nothing is more harmful. The way to change your situation is to take control of your life by sorting through your thoughts and feelings. Behavior is the result of thinking and feeling. Ask yourself, "Is this the way love is supposed to feel?"
 
I care about you as do the others here who have posted their feelings and thoughts through the "voice of experience." Get help sorting things out so that you can make new choices and decisions that are not based on fear but on what is in your best interest and that of your family. Remember that it is wrong to accept humiliation, cruelty, abuse and unhappiness. Doing nothing about it is also very wrong and makes for a far greater failure. Again, I am not judging but only offering advice in an attempt to help you. No one has a right to judge you. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
 
Disclaimer: B-flat is not a therapist of any kind but is a very caring person.

[NCSunshine]

The 401k money WILL affect your taxes for the year drawn out.  We drew out $20,000 to pay down on a home.  After taxes and penalty, we actually got $16,000.  When it came to tax time and filed our taxes, we were married and had one child, we ended up paying an additional $5,000 dollars, when we normally get a refund because we always claim married and zero dependents during the year.  So after all was said and done we got $11,000 out of $20,000.  

The things that may help are if you get Earned Income Credit, but then here again the $15,000(guessing on the original amount) would probably throw you out, because of the increase in the amount of income.  (income limit for married filing joint for 2003 is $34,692 with two or more children).

I really and truly hope it doesn't affect your taxes, but from experience and knowing a LITTLE about it I say it is probable that it will.

I wish you and your DH the best during these tough times.

[wiininkwe]

Denial.......More than just a river in Africa.    Debby, when I read your last post, I see all kinds of signs of denial and enabling behavior.   If your DH has such a pattern of bad temper and suspicion, why would you go out of your way to spend time with someone you know he has a problem with where you are concerned?   Is your male friend aware of the suspicions your DH has about him?   If he is, and if he is really your friend, why would he put you at risk with your DH by repeatedly spending time with you?   And if he isn't aware, which I doubt, why would you continue to put him in a bad spot with your DH, especially if you are really his friend?   I could go on and on with more questions about this kind of behavior, but I don't see the need.  You aren't ready to accept any of responsibility for these actions, and your DH isn't either.   That's why we suggest professional help.
Toni

[Acts 2:38 girl]

My personal opionion is, " I have no opinion"  !  

Debbie - I think everyone is just trying to help, but I'm getting the sense we should just back off.  I have said this in the past and I'll say it again -   The dangerous thing about the computer is there is no personal contact.  We are not with you, seeing your situation unfold and being able to give an objective opinion.  We only know what you tell us, so one sentence can be taken three or more different ways.  It's to difficult to judge someones situation like that, it's dangerous to do even if you do see and know the person.  On this board we share just what we want to, and this can be good or bad.  One thing is true, we have to take everyones words on faith.  
 You know your situation best and you know what needs to happen to make it better.  I'm not going to offer you any more advice, but I will pray for you any your family and your situation.  I have a pretty good idea by reading this thread what to pray for, but if you have any thing else, please e-mail me!  Good-luck girl!  Nothing last forever, and neither will this situation with your DH.  Things are always changing.  Stay strong and if you don't have a good church - find one.  There is nothing like a good "family" who can encourage you and love you.  (woops sorry - there I go again giving out advice!)   :rolleyes: