New Clean Joke Thread

[AustinBoston]

I Couldn't find the latest joke thread, so I started a new one.  Put your jokes here.


So this single woman moves to a new city, and soon discovers that they have a "Husband Store" where you can select your ideal husband.  She thought of this as a little odd, but when she found the same problem as the last city, namely that there were not a lot of acceptable young men available, she thought she'd check out the store.

At the front door was a sign.  It said:

HOW THIS STORE WORKS:
1) The store has six floors.  On each floor, the Husbands available are more expensive than the floor below.
2) You can stop and spend all the time you want on a floor, but once you move to a higher floor, you can not go back.  
3) We reccomend buying the first husband you will be satisfied with, as they get much more expensive as you go up.
4) Shop carefully, as you are not allowed to return to the store (whether or not you buy), and there are no exchanges.

She's both excited and nervous, and steps into the store.  On the first floor, there is a sign saying:

The husbands on this floor all have good jobs.

[/COLOR]

After a few minutes, she decides to see what's on the second floor.  There she finds this sign:

The husbands on this floor have a good job and love kids.

[/COLOR]

Now she's really interested.  But she's sure there's something better so she spends little time there and soon is on the third floor.  There the sign says:

The husbands on this floor have a great job, really love kids, and are very handsome.

[/COLOR]

Well, now she just has to see what's on the next floor, so she doesn't even stop on the third floor before bounding up to the fourth floor, where the sign says:

The husbands on this floor have a great job, really love kids, are very handsome, and love to help with housework.

[/COLOR]

Now she's as giddy as a teenager.  She nearly runs to the fifth floor to see what they have there.  On the fifth floor, she finds a sign that says:

The husbands on this floor have a great job, really love kids, are very handsome, love to help with housework, and have a strongly romantic side.

[/COLOR]

This is almost too much for her to bear.  Without even stopping to browse, she flies up the stairs to the sixth floor.  There the sign says:

You are visitor 31,156,285 to the sixth floor.  There are no husbands on this floor.  This floor exists only to prove that women are impossible to please.  As a reminder, the rules of the store require you to leave without stopping at the floors below, and that you do not return to the store.  Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.  We aim to please, but that just isn't possible.

[/COLOR]

Austin (hoping PJay doesn't see this)

[wavery]

GOD CREATED CHILDREN   (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces or nephews.
Here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your  children are out of control,
you can take comfort from the thought that
even God's omnipotence did not extend
to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth,  God created Adam and Eve.

And the first  thing he said was
"DON'T !"

"Don't what ? "
Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit", God said.

"Forbidden fruit?
We  have forbidden fruit ?
Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!  :p "


" No Way! "

"Yes way! "

"Do NOT eat the fruit !"  
said God.

"Why ?  :confused: "

"Because I am your Father and I said so ! "

God replied,
(wondering why He hadn't stopped
creation after making the elephants.)  :%  

A few minutes later,
God  saw His children having an apple break
and He was ticked!  :banghead:

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? "
God asked.

"Uh huh,"  
Adam replied.

"Then why did you? "
said the Father.

"I don't know, :eyecrazy: "
said Eve.


"She started it ! :Z  "
Adam said.

"Did not ! "
"Did too !  "


"DID NOT ! "

Having had it with the two of  them,
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of  their own.  :J

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.


BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY !

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom
and they  haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble  raising children, what makes you think it would be
a piece of cake for  you ?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2.  Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own  children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat  their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. :p
In fact, they usually repeat word for word, what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to  remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6.  We childproofed our homes,  but they are still getting in.


ADVICE FOR THE DAY:

Be nice to your  kids.
They will choose your nursing home one day.  



AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE,
DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN  BOTTLE:


"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN"
AND "KEEP AWAY  FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!

[wavery]

Having a Bad Day?
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.  No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on; Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.  Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Having a Bad Day?

The average  cost  of  rehabilitating  a  seal  after  the  Exxon  Valdez  Oil spill  in  Alaska  was  $80,000.00.   At  a  special  ceremony,  two  of  the most  expensively  saved  animals  were being  released  back  into  the  wild amid  cheers  and  applause  from  onlookers.

A minute  later,  in  full  view,  a  killer  whale  ate  them both.

Still think  you  are  having  a  Bad  Day?

A woman  came  home  to  find  her  husband  in  the kitchen  shaking frantically,  almost  in  a  dancing  frenzy,  with  some  kind  of  wire running  from  his  waist  towards  the  electric  kettle.   Intending  to jolt  him  away  from  the  deadly  current,  she  whacked  him  with  a  handy plank  of  wood,  breaking  his  arm  two  places.   Up  to  that  moment, he  had  been  happily  listening  to  his  Walkman.

STILL think  you're  having Bad  Day?

Two animal  rights  defenders  were  protesting  the  cruelty  of  sending  pigs to  a  slaughterhouse  in  Bonn,  Germany.   Suddenly,  all  two  thousand pigs  broke  loose  and  escaped  through  a  broken  fence,  stampeding madly.

The two  helpless  protesters  were  trampled  to  death.

What?? STILL  having  a  Bad  Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay  Rahnajet  didn't  pay  enough  postage  on  a  letter  bomb. It  came  back  with  "Return  to  Sender"  stamped  on  it.   Forgetting  it was  the  bomb,  he  opened  it  and  was  blown  to bits :p .

There now,  feeling  better? :U

[AustinBoston]

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you can't come in here."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now."

Satan shouts back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right... and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

Austin