The Taser

[Tim5055]

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a Pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!


Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.


I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.??


AWESOME!!!?


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife

what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!


Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?! !??


There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.


The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"??


What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...


I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it BLEEP," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...


HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!


I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!


The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"


Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.


SON-OF-A-*%#... That hurt like **% !!!


A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.


I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!


P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!


If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid

[Recumbentman]

Tim
thanks for such a great write-up. I was rolling on the floor from laughter. but on the bright side, you saved a lot of us guys from trying the same thing.  :p

[garym053]

THANKS!
I was laughing so hard, I could barely read it through the tears!

[brainpause]

Storytime!

In another life, I was a food truck driver that carried several thousand dollars at a time, because I filled vending machines and change machines. We weren't allowed to carry guns or other such protection, even though my route started at 3AM, when all the hoodlums were out. So, I carried a stun gun, given to me by my rather conservative father.

I had it clipped to my right belt loop, when, the steel door of an empty factory started banging, obviously someone trying to enter without authorization. Instead of running and hiding in this big ol' scary furniture factory (complete with buzz saws, nail guns, spider webs, and all sorts of scary movie stuff), I stood there, waiting for the bad guy to enter.

I reached down with my right hand and grabbed my stun gun! But I got my first two fingers between the prongs, as my thumb hit the trigger! AHHHHGGHHHH!!!!! My right arm was numb, and even my right leg lost some feeling! So, there I was, fumbling with my left hand on my right hip trying to remove the stun gun before my attacker opened the door.....

The steel door opened, just as I got the stun gun off my belt....

It was my supervisor, who had trouble with the cranky lock.

Larry

[austinado16]

I am laughing so hard the tears are rolling down my face!

[oreo57]

Absolutly Hillarious!!!! Thanks for the write up.

[wavery]

"DON'T TAZE ME BRO"  :J

[TroutBum]

I've never been tazed, but I once was riding in a car when a freind accidently set off her pepper spray keychain.  After pulling over for a half hour untill we could see again, we had to drive the reamining 2 hours back to college (in February) with the windows down and our heads out them.

[mrsoreo57]

O M G !!!  This is one of the reasons we keep you guys around...you make us laugh !!!

Oh, I laughed so hard I think I hurt myself...

[Clarabelle]

Best laugh I've had in years.  We've all done something stupid, but this is right up there at the top.