Source of Global Warming Found

[AustinBoston]

Source of Global Warming Found

St. Paul Start Tribute (St. Paul) - Scientists today revealed that the source of gobal warming was one Ralph W. Johnston of Burnsville, Minnesota.

The announcement came today at a press conference at the Crown Plaza Hotel in Minneapolis.  A team of six scientists, working with a number of graduate students from the Globe School of Business, found the source by overlaying bird migration charts with the alignment of feathers found near National Park Visitor's Centers.

"The key was realizing we could use the [National Park Visitor's] Centers.  Doing that allowed us to make much better predictions than in the past," said Dr. George W. Lindenburger, the team's leader and president of Advanced Perveyors of Redundancy 1.  "After collecting three sets of feather data, we were able to narrow down the source to somewhere in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area."  Dr. Lindenburger has a degree in Humology.

After two weeks of work in Florida during February, some feathers found in the vicinity of the [Everglades National Park] Visitor's Center clinched the deal.  "At first, we thought the feathers had been left over after an alligator ate a Great Blue Heron, but detailed analysis showed that the blood spatter patterns were not consistent with a gator attack.  So at that point, we knew we could use the data," Lindenburger said.

The conclusion?  The source of Global Warming was coming from an address in Burnsville.  When graduate students went there, they found Mr. Johnston.

Mr. Johnston could not be reached for comment, but neighbors have reported that "he was always full of hot air."  

Sources told the Start Tribute that Mr. Johnston, who is a retired AIG executive, was "always blowing smoke about something."

"He would get steamed up about the silliest things," said a neighbor, who spoke on condition of anonymity.  "One time, he actually called the police just because someone threw a flaming bottle of gasoline through the front window.  We always knew there was something strange about him.  Now we know what."

The study was funded by Dr. Lindenburger's company, Advanced Perveyors of Redundancy 1.  APR 1 is the nation's largest producer of Joging Onbutton Klienbottle Effectors, producing more than 13,000 units a year in their Stillwater, Minnesota plant.

You can learn more about the company and the study at their web site, http://www.apr1.com.