OT So Sad

[Miss-Teri]

A boy that my fourteen-year-old daughter has gone to school with since kindergarten hung and killed himself yesterday.  The girls had told me he was on drugs, but I sure didn't expect this.  I just went into the girls' room (they're at school), and looked through their yearbooks.  From kindergarten to 6th grade there is this adorable smiling boy.  Then there is his 7th grade picture.  He's got spiky hair, he's wearing a bead necklace and a t-shirt, has dead eyes and no smile - almost a hate-the-world scowl.  If I had a scanner I'd show you the difference.
All I know about his home life is that his parents were divorced (so were mine, so I sure don't blame that).  But I look at that smiling face, then the scowling face and wonder how someone's little boy ended up like that.  
It's just so terribly sad and I'm just bummed out today.  His parents, friends, teachers, and his sister who is in my oldest daughter's classes are all in my prayers.

[angelsmom10]

Having been thru a close friend of my brother in the late 60's, then the same brother attempting in mid 80's, and my father also committing suicide in '87; this is going to take a toll on the kids in school (not to mention the family).  I'm sure the school will offer counselors, if not, get a hold of the school and be sure that it gets taken care of.

There are support groups out there for "survivors of suicide".  It may be worth it to get into contact with them and pay attention to your children to see if they need to go and talk.  It is always better to talk with someone who has gone thru it.  People who say "I know how you feel" really don't know unless they have gone thru it.
 
If you are close to the family, also suggest the group to them.
 
Take care and send huggs and kisses to the kids, they really need it right now.

[AustinBoston]

All I know about his home life is that his parents were divorced (so were mine, so I sure don't blame that).

You can't know how a child will react to something like that.  Many children blame themselves for a divorce, even though they had nothing at all to do with it.  I know of one case where a girl's parents divorced when she was 14.  After years of counselling, having both parents explain the real reasons many times, after halfway houses, etc. she was still convinced that had she been a better cook, her father would never have left.  I don't know what the final outcome was.

Of course, without knowing more, there's no way to know the cause.  He may have fallen in with the wrong crowd, started listening to the wrong music, etc.

BTW, you should know what music your kids are listening to.  Today's popular music is filled with songs about suicide, drugs, rape, murder, etc.  Even Bittney Spears has a current video that portrays suicide as a way to escape that even illustrates one way to do it.

You need to provide support and reassurance for your daughter, even if she didn't know him, at this time.  She may not volunteer how she is feeling.

Austin (Disclaimer: Free internet phsychology is worth what you pay for it)

[birol]

This is so sad and as AB stated, listen to the music your child listens to. I had realzied a sharp deviation with DS's music habits together with his grades going down and all the other stuff. I hadn't paid much attention to it even thouygh I noticed the change. I was assuming that it was only the music habits which chaged and that rest of him would still be the same, NOT SO ! Pay close attention to your children ! DO not smother them but LISTEN TO THEM know what hey are upto every minute of their lifes ! Hopefully we are leving the troubled times behind us as far as DS is concerned ......

[MommaMia]

Our community just had a 14 yo boy hang himself last week.  The father had recently died from cancer.  

My girls, ages 8 and 6, were so confused how a young child... how ANYONE could do such a drastic thing as suicide.  I told them that talking about how you feel is so important to helping you feel better.  I always tell my kids that they can come to me and talk to me about ANYTHING no matter how bad it is.

It seems like kids these days have so many stresses in their lives.  So many adult issues.

[Miss-Teri]

Thanks, guys.  He did it in a tree in his backyard.  The neighbor heard the father screaming when he found his son, and called 911 based on the screams alone, not knowing what had happened.  I have to pass the house multiple times daily, so it'll be in my mind for a while.

They did have counselors at the school, and even with the kid's drug problems he had a lot of close friends and in our small town there was a lot of grieving.  He had told his friends he was going to kill himself but they didn't believe him.  Imagine their guilt.  

My daughter hasn't been too close to him recently because of the drugs, but he asked her out when they were in 6th grade, plus they had a friendship through the years so it was tough on her.  One of the boys at the school that she could never imagine crying broke down today, and that got to her as well.

I tell my kids they can come to me with anything as well, Mommamia.  I believe it helps, and even though my oldest two are teenagers, we are so close.  I hope that continues forever, and that when my son is a teen we will be just as close as we are now.  

To unintentially bring this back on topic (camping), I think camping helps so much in keeping all of us close to our kids.  No TV, no peers, just the good 'ol outdoors in unadulterated God country.

[griffsmom]

someone's little boy

Your sentiment is so poignant, it makes me want to cry.  Each one of us, even the most troubled children or heinous criminals, was once someone's little boy or girl, full of promise and hope for the future.    
 
Since adopting our ds three and half years ago, things like this affect me even more deeply than they used to.  Parenting is not an exact science with any kind of certainty attached to it, and as parents, we can only do our best to love them unconditionally, teach them right from wrong, and give them the skills they'll need to make their way safely in the world, but whether they choose to heed and follow our advice and teachings is completely beyond our parental control. When these types of tragedies occur, I can only think that there, but for the grace of God, go I.
 
I will hug my little guy even tighter and have added this family to my prayers.

[angelsmom10]

People really need to listen and take action when threats are made.  My father nor the family friend had threatened.  
 
I came across this looking for something this morning and just wanted to share with all those who have teens.
 
http://www.connectingwithkids.com/tipsheet/2004/170_mar31/sui.html

[NightOwl]

there was a time when our youngest daughter (as a young adult)  was  suicidal and it was terrifying.  She had just graduated  (an honor student) from The University of Michigan, didnt have drug problems or other  usual triggers,  and we were all very close emotionally. (I recognized the signs but my husband didnt--was in denial that his darling All-American Girl could  feel that death was better than life)  

I insisted we needed to intervene and we managed to get her to a physician immediately  who specialized in childhood and young adult depression. He prescribed meds which helped her move  successfully beyond all of it but it took several scarey months for the  signs of her recovery to become clear and "dependable".

I am convinced that she would be dead if we had not acted.  (She is now a very happy woman with a  wonderful husband of 8 years, a joyful  present, and an umlimited future).

Unfortunately, people often do not recognize the symptoms--or if they do, sometimes they cannot face it  (and the signs  are not the same in all children) or when  they do suspect potential suicide,often  dont know how to get help.

We all know that suicide is a leading cause of death in the young.  Adolescence  is a very demanding   time for them and there are chemical  changes taking place within them which cause tremendous emotional stress and distress.

As lots of you say, staying close and loving, and being observant of them is our best defense against this killer.

[birol]

Very well put Nightowl ! I wish everyone who is a parent or will be a parent one day, an easy go of the whole raising a child situation.