RE: Camping Jokes

[Starryart]

 
Anyone need a chuckle......
 
 
 Camping Tips...
 
 Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
 
 A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
 
 The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.
 
 When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
 
 Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
 
 A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
 
 A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
 
 In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

[Starryart]

 Starryart
Ok here are some more (oh the torture...)
 
 Did you hear about the mosquito that bit everybody in the popup camper?
 He passed the screen test!
 
 Helpful Camping Tips:
 
 When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
 
 The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
 
 Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be worn camping. Buy only those that read " Beat on a rock in stream."
 
 Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
 
 Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
 
 Modern rain suits made of fabrics that " breathe"  enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
 
 You ll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an unlisted number.
 
 Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag.
 
 Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
 
 You ll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
 
 You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
 
 You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
 
 A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of politicians for toilet paper.
 
 It s entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
 
 Always carry a deck of cards when you take a hike in unfamiliar territory. If you find yourself lost and alone, simply sit down, begin to play a game of solitaire and someone will soon come along to reach in and place the red nine on the black ten. Happens every time.
 
 Camping One Liners
 
 I love camping. You haven?t lived until you?ve cut your way out of a sleeping bag with a Swiss army knife.
 
 An " RV"  is a " home away from home."  In other words, nobody is gonna make your bed for you.
 
 Today?s vacation question. When the signs in provincial parks say, " Don?t feed the animals,"  does that include the park rangers?
 There are so many relaxing things to do in the mountains: fishing in a mountain stream ... hiking up a mountain trail ... playing Scrabble with a mountain goat.....
 
 I enjoy communing with nature. I just don t like it when nature tries communing back.
 
 I don t care for hiking. The longest hike I ever made was trying to find my car in a Wal-Mart parking lot.
 
 Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson Camping
 
 Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, the fire dwindling nearby, Holmes said: " Watson, look up and tell me what you see" .
 
 Watson said " I see a fantastic panorama of countless of stars" .
 
 Holmes: " And what does that tell you?"
 
 Watson: " Astronomically, it suggests to me that if there are billions of other galaxies that have roughly similar stellar population densities as represented by my view, that, potentially, trillions of planets may be associated with such a galactic and, therefore, stellar population. Allowing for similar chemical distribution throughout the cosmos it may be reasonably implied that life-and possibly intelligent life-may well fill the universe.
 Also, being a believer, theologically, it tells me that the vastness of space may be yet another suggestion of the greatness of God and that we are small and insignificant.
 Meteorologically, the blackness of the sky and the crispness of the stellar images tells me that there is low humidity and stable air and therefore we are most likely to enjoy a beautiful day tomorrow.
 
 Why? - What does it tell you, Mr. Holmes?"
 
 Holmes: " Someone stole our tent" .
 
 

[Starryart]

 Starryart
One more time folks... Your chuckle for the day (smile!)
 Stupid Things in the Wilderness
 
 These are actual comments left on Provincial park registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
 
 " A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
 
 " Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
 
 " Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
 
 " Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
 
 " Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
 
 " All the mile markers are missing this year."
 
 " Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
 
 " Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
 
 " Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
 
 " Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
 
 " Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
 
 " The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
 
 " Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
 
 " Need more signs to keep area pristine."
 
 " A McDonald s would be nice at the trail head."
 
 " The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
 
 " Too many rocks in the mountains."
 
 

[tlhdoc]

 Starryart
I love these.

[campingcop]

 Starryart
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[PI]

 Starryart
These are good. Thanks everybody for the laugh. Good Timing.