Life changing events

[2manytoyz]

A few might have noticed I've not been on the forum for a couple of weeks, and I've shut down my websites.  

Two weeks ago the wife announced she wasn't happy and wanted a divorce.  I almost fell over.  She said she's not been happy since the first miscarriage, and feels she can never be happy again.  She's had 3 miscarriages, multiple operations, got a new position at work that's stressful, and we adopted two boys a little over a year ago.  Those who know us all agree she's going through depression, but I can't get her to see a doc.  She also won't let anyone help, and refused to give us a chance.  So much for being best friends for the last 12 years.  I'll be selling the house, camper, boat, etc.

Looks like I'll be able to get a Class A after all.  Once the house sells, I'll use some of the funds from my half of the house to buy a mid 90s Bounder motorhome.  I'll get to play the full time role while living in a campground until I decide what I want to do with the rest of my life.  I may end up leaving central Fl and heading for Colorado.  I can probably get another aerospace job with Ball Aerospace in Boulder.  The RV would make that move easy.  No, I have no plans of living in my PU fulltime!

It's been fun gang.  You guys have been great. Dave and crew, thanks for the wonderful magazine and forum.  Best of luck to you in the future.

[Cadeuses]

Rob;

  Sorry to hear about your current situation.  I'm sure words cannot describe what you must be feeling right now.
 
  I wish you the best in all you may do and that this is resolved to the best result you can possibly attain.

[birol]

Sorry to hear the bad news 2manytoyz. I for one as always looking forward to your posts and was constantly visiting your web site.

These kind of events seem to have a way of unexpectedly annoucing themselves. Stay strong not matter what, and live the rest of your life fully.

I wish you good luck and success ! Keep in touch with us, don't leave the board I would say .....

[tlhdoc]

I am so sorry.

[Tim5055]

Oops, double post

[Tim5055]

Words can not express the feelings I have for what you must be going through.

I agree with Birol, stick around - you will need a stress relief!

I'm sure I speak for everyone here in wishing you the best and I hope things begin to look up soon.

[Gone-Camping]

Wow...this is a shocker! Sorry to hear about the problems, and hope everything works out for you. Good Luck....

[B-flat]

I just came through a very painful divorce a while back and I can fully attest that there is life after divorce, better times ahead and a happy future.  All the children are grown and the grandkids are growing up.  On the other side of the coin, you have 2 little children who need parents.  I'm not one to recommend staying together for the sake of the children but it will affect their lives.  Maybe something will happen to make her realize that she needs to change and that she is going through a hard time.  If you can, make attempts to be helpful  and have you talked to her parents to see if they can help with matters?  Well, never mind, none of my business but I do want you to know that you have plenty of friends here on the board who have looked forward to your posts.  You will be missed.

[NightOwl]

Robert, I  pretty much echo what Nancy said about the boys needing a family and about talking things over and gettingsupport  from family and ffriends in seeking professional advice..

Additionally, your wife may THINK she is depressed because of  the stress of her job, the "imperfections" of marriage,  and the disappointments of the miscarriages, but the truth is they are only contributing factors--they are not the cause.

Because  clinical depression runs in our family, I am something of an unwilling expert on the subject.  Your wife is depressed BECAUSE she is DEPRESSED.  IN other words--her circumstances  are NOT the ":cause" of this, even though they may have triggered this episode.  Her BRAIN CHEMISTRY is what is causing this. Not enough serotonin.  More than likely, a visit with a physician could have her on the road to recovery in a few weeks.  

Do not do anything in haste--because,  saddest of all, after the divorce, she will STILL be depressed because the divorce will not cure her.   And when you are gone, all the problems she has now, she will still have, except, perhaps worse.   By the time she recognizes this, it will be too late, so try not to let her jump right into divorce if you can slow things down a bit.

I am very sorry to hear about  this and I hope she gets some help before it is too late.

PS--as you probably know, very often, people with depression will vehemently deny that they suffer from it.

[DiW]

Robert,
I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Please take your time when deciding what to do because things could change. All this happened in only the past two weeks. Your kids will still need both of you so please consider sticking around to be there for them. My BIL moved across the country when his wife wanted out of the marriage. Having been the stay at home dad for years, he hated seeing his young son only on the weekends. He felt he needed to get away and start over. So in the end, he gave up seeing his son only on the weekends to only briefly in the summers. His son felt he lost his dad, because his dad "chose" to move away.

Maybe you can think of this period as a "separation". It will give your wife a chance to think things through, to see if this is really what she wants. You and your wife have been through an awful lot with the medical stuff and I'm not surprised she's having a tough time. She probably thought all her sadness would end with the adoption and when it didn't, she related that sadness to you. She needs someone (other than you) to make her see that she's dealing with other issues. Perhaps she's still mourning the miscarriages, etc. Maybe you've experienced some of the same depression? I've seen this type of thing in families with sick children. The divorce doesn't really help because the "problem" is still there. When we're upset, it's easy to focus our anger on our mate (or as you said best friend). Your wife is probably so confused over her feelings that she doesn't know if she's coming or going. She probably hasn't had the time to really think about it either as I'm sure you are both busy with your sons. I hope you can find a way to work this out....
Diane

[griffsmom]

I am so sorry to hear of this difficult situation for you!  I had an amicable divorce from my first husband, and even though it was ever so civil and decent(no kids), it was still emotionally difficult.
 
I pray that your wife will realize that she needs help and accepts your love for her by allowing you get her some, especially since your children need both of their parents in their lives.  I too am an adoptive parent, as well as an adoption professional, and the one other thing I would mention is that if your wife refuses to come around, please be sure that your children completely understand that it was not them or your adoption of them that led to the divorce.  Biological children are prone to think that their parent's divorce is their fault when it is not, and adopted children can be even more sensitive to such misconceptions, given the special way in which the family was formed.  
 
You and your family are in our family's hearts and prayers.

[brainpause]

I hope things work out for you and your family. I always look forward to your posts, and really enjoyed your website. You have toys that I like!

Larry

[AustinBoston]

Two weeks ago the wife announced she wasn't happy and wanted a divorce.  I almost fell over.  She said she's not been happy since the first miscarriage, and feels she can never be happy again.

Of course, a divorce is not going to improve things for her.  There's none more helpless than they who won't be helped.




I learned years ago when I allow myself to think "Things have never been better between us" then it's about time for her to say "We need to talk."

Of course, it's always my fault. []

Austin

[angelsmom10]

Sorry to hear this... hopefully things will get better.  My prayers and thoughts are with you.