A Joke Thread

[Russinator]

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q.True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q.You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and youthink that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.


Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q.In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.


Q.What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.


Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q.In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q.During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q.Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q.When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

[dthurk]

I always liked this show.  The celebrities were so good at coming up with great answers.  IIRC, they were at least shown the questions beforehand to give them a bit of time to craft their responses.  Nonetheless, there was some great stuff there.  I don't recall seeing it in reruns, that would be worthwhile.

Thanks for the laugh!

[Russinator]

Q.According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q.It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q.Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

[Russinator]

A man boarded a plane at Sydney airport and, taking his seat as he
settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the aircraft.

He realised she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo! She
took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out: "Business trip or
holiday?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the
Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in the United States ."

The man swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever
seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for
nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer", she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."

Really?" he smiled, "What myths are those?"

"Well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is
that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all
categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry", she said. I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I
don't even know your name!"

"Tonto", the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos but all my friends call me
Paddy."

[Russinator]

A business man received an invoice that he didn't understand. Knowing his secretary was good in math he asked her. " Hey Betty, you graduated from the University of Kentucky, if I gave you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?". Betty thought for a minute and then said, " Everything but my ear rings."

[Russinator]

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices
 a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off
 the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is
 wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and
 her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice
fire truck," the firefighter says with admiration. "Thanks" the girl says.

The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner", the firefighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too,
I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."

[Russinator]

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?


See next post for the correct answer

[Russinator]

A stick!!

[Russinator]

A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while then asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

What did he say about your 50 year old ass? The husband asked.

Your name never came up, she replied.

[bpike]

Being a drummer I have to post these.

 

[Russinator]

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and
by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you
receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any
means, DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life
completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two
good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as
Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or

Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends,
you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

[Jestercat]

I rear-ended someone at a traffic light. :yikes:


So the guy gets out of his car and he's a dwarf .  


He says " I'm not happy."  :mad:


I said " Which one are you then?"  :p

=====================

[dthurk]

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and
by hand.
 
This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you
receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any
means, DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life
completely.
 
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two
good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as
Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
 
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends,
you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

I'd like to introduce a little Regimin-Employed-To-Inspire-Relaxation-Everyday to this mix.

[Russinator]

RETIRED - I resemble that remark. Russ

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies:  "These are not pigs; these are authentic Arkansas Razorback hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says:

"Excellent trade, sir."

[Russinator]