A Joke Thread

[Russinator]

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons."

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, "Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges."

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals."

[Russinator]

Woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in
because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the
Mom, "I know what happened.. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came
out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

[Russinator]

[Russinator]

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

   

The following may or may not be an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid term.

   

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor might have shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well: At any rate, the answer is indeed well thought out

   


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

   

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

   

One student, however, wrote the following:

   

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

   

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

   

This gives two possibilities:

   

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

   

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

   

So which is it?

   

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

   


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[wavery]

New way for tracking terrorists:
http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/

[Russinator]

MILTARY WISDOM

"If the Enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal

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"It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just

bombed"

- U.S. Air Force Manual

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"Aim towards the Enemy"

- Instructions printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."

- U.S. Marine Corps

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"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.

The bombs are guaranteed always to hit the ground."

- USAF Ammo Troop

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"Whoever said the pen is mightier then the sword

obviously never encountered automatic weapons."

- General MacArthur

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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."

- Infantry Journal

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"You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you come with me."

- U.S. Marine Gunnery Sgt. (Mgysgt5)

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"Tracers work both ways."

- U.S. Army Ordnance

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[Russinator]

"Five second fuses only last three seconds"

- Infantry Journal

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"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last,

and don't ever volunteer to do anything."

- U.S. Navy Swabbie

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"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."

- David Hackworth

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"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an

ambush."

- Infantry Journal

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"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."

- Joe Gay

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"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

- unknown

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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."

- Unknown Marine Recruit

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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."

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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."

- USAF Ammo Troop

[Russinator]

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."

- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

----------------------------- -------------------------

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than

submarines in the sky."

- From an old carrier sailor

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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's

probably

a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

----------------------------- -------------------------

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always

have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

----------------------------- -------------------------

"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive

flying club."

----------------------------- -------------------------

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and

pilots?

If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up.... The

pilot dies."

----------------------------- -------------------------

"Never trade luck for skill."

----------------------------- -------------------------

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in

aviation are:

"Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh No.!"

[Russinator]

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

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"Airspeed, altitude and brains.

Two are always needed to complete the flight successfully."

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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up

there!"

----------------------------- -------------------------

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag

to store dead batteries."

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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight

to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding

or doing anything about it."

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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world;

it can just barely kill you."

- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

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"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying

his plane to its maximum."

- Jon McBride, astronaut

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"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing

as far into the crash as possible."

- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot )

[Russinator]

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when

you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in

what's left of your unit."

- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."

- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air.

Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be

recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees

and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

----------------------------- -------------------------

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked

when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

----------------------------- ----------------------------- --

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,

having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the

crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and

asks, "What happened?".

The pilot's reply, "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

[TheViking]

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
 
He's all right now.

[TheViking]

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens
to the counters.

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.

EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
 
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish-washing liquid made
with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[Russinator]

[Russinator]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

[Russinator]

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."