A Joke Thread

[Russinator]

[Russinator]

[Russinator]

*How to properly place new employees*
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:
   
* A. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting
Department.

* B. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

* C. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in
Engineering.

* D. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them In
Planning.

* E. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in
Operations.

* F. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

* G. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information
Technology.

* H. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

* I. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking
for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

* J. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
   
   
* K. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic
Planning.

* L. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been
moved; congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

* M. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a
way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

[wernstriumph]

PRO's and CON's are opposites,
As one can plainly see.
If PROGRESS means to go forward,
Then what does CONGRESS mean?

[Russinator]

The doctor had been seeing an 80 year old woman formost of her life. He finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all her medications that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for Birth Control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possible help you sleep" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... and believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

You Gotta Watch Them Grandmas... God Love Them

[Russinator]

An old man in Louisiana owned a large farm for several years. He had a
large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it
up nice...picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

    One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

    As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his Pond.

    He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"

    The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked. Or make you get out of the pond naked."

    Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

    Moral: Some old men can still think fast...

[chip]

An old farmer, his wife and son were big fans of turkey.  Couldn't wait for Thanksgiving.  Only problem was, they all liked drumsticks, and managed to get into a fight over the two on the annual bird.

The farmer, being an industrious sort of fellow, finally managed to breed a three legged turkey to solve the problem.
 
Just so happens, a traveling salesman drives by the farm, and comes across this three legged turkey running along side the road.  Salesman, seeing a new market for three-legged turkeys, matches speed with the turkey to get a better look and the turkey speeds up, pulling away.  Salesman speeds up, so does the turkey.  Salesman speeds up again, turkey pulls away, and finally turns into the farmer's driveway.  Salesman follows the turkey, and finds the old farmer on the front porch.
 
"That your three-legged turkey?" asks the salesman.  
 
"Yup," replies the farmer.  
 
"We could make a lot of money with a three-legged turkey," says the salesman.  "How's he taste?"
 
"Dunno," says the farmer.  "Can't catch him."

[Russinator]

This is for real don't be fooled!!!  

Important information please pass to your concerned friends.  Don't let them be taken advantage of ..
 
 
This man has been spotted in Wal-Mart parking lots in many areas.
 
 If you see this guy, do not be taken in by his SCAM !
 
 
THIS IS A HOAX !!!
 
 MY FRIEND TRIED IT -     SHE SAYS IT DOES NOT WORK AND HER INSURANCE WOULD NOT COVER IT!
 
 So now you know!

Click below to see a photo of the above man and his hoax.

http://www.pixentral.com/show.php?picture=1eZARgjNjE9ezWeaiaywpjTuFH5wg0

[Russinator]

Sorry, the link didn't work. here's the picture [I hope this works]

[Russinator]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
 
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

[Russinator]

This is not a joke, but, it's a nice story.

I remember my first Christmas adventure with Grandma. I was just a kid.

I remember tearing across town on my bike to visit her on the day my big sister dropped the bomb: "There is no Santa Claus," she jeered. "Even dummies know that!"

My Grandma was not the gushy kind, never had been. I fled to her that day because I knew she would be straight with me. I knew Grandma always told the truth, and I knew that the truth always went down a whole lot easier when swallowed with one of her world famous cinnamon buns. I knew they were world-famous, because Grandma said so. It had to be true.

Grandma was home, and the buns were still warm. Between bites, I told her everything. She was ready for me. "No Santa Claus!" she snorted. "Ridiculous! Don't believe it. That rumor has been going around for years, and it makes me mad, plain mad. Now, put on your coat, and let's go."

"Go? Go where, Grandma?" I asked. I hadn't even finished my second world-famous cinnamon bun. "Where" turned out to be Kerby's General Store, the one store in town that had a little bit of just about everything. As we walked through its doors, Grandma handed me ten dollars [that was a bundle in those days].

"Take this money," she said, "and buy something for someone who needs it. I'll wait for you in the car." Then she turned and walked out of Kerby's.

I was only eight years old. I'd often gone shopping with my mother, but never had I shopped for anything all by myself. The store seemed big and crowded, full of people scrambling to finish their Christmas shopping. For a few moments I just stood there, confused, clutching that ten dollar bill, wondering what to buy, and who on earth to buy it for.

I thought of everybody I knew: my family, my friends, my neighbors, the kids at school, the people who went to my church. I was just about thought out, when I suddenly thought of Bobby Decker.

He was a kid with bad breath and messy hair, and he sat right behind me in Mrs. Pollock's grade-two class. Bobby Decker didn't have a coat. I knew that because he never went out for recess during the winter. His mother always wrote a note, telling the teacher that he had a cough, but all we kids knew that Bobby Decker didn't have a cough, and he didn't have a coat. I fingered the ten-dollar bill with growing excitement. I would buy Bobby Decker a coat!

I settled on a red corduroy one that had a hood to it. It looked real warm, and he would like that. "Is this a Christmas present for someone?" the lady behind the counter asked kindly, as I laid my ten dollars down.

"Yes," I replied shyly. "It's .... for Bobby." The nice lady smiled at me. I didn't get any change, but she put the coat in a bag and wished me a Merry Christmas.

That evening, Grandma helped me wrap the coat in Christmas paper and ribbons (a little tag fell out of the coat, and Grandma tucked it in her Bible) and wrote, "To Bobby, From Santa Claus" on it -- Grandma said that Santa always insisted on secrecy. Then she drove me over to Bobby Decker's house, explaining as we went that I was now and forever officially one of Santa's helpers.

Grandma parked down the street from Bobby's house, and she and I crept noiselessly and hid in the bushes by his front walk. Then Grandma gave me a nudge. "All right, Santa Claus," she whispered, "get going."

I took a deep breath, dashed for his front door, threw the present down on his step, pounded his doorbell and flew back to the safety of the bushes and Grandma. Together we waited breathlessly in the darkness for the front door to open. Finally it did, and there stood Bobby.

Fifty years haven't dimmed the thrill of those moments spent shivering, beside my Grandma, in Bobby Decker's bushes. That night, I realized that those awful rumors about Santa Claus were just what Grandma said they were: ridiculous. Santa was alive and well, and we were on his team.

I still have the Bible, with the tag tucked inside: $19.95.

[Russinator]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
   
The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?"

 She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
     
The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father"

They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs.. Donovan, how are ye these days?"
     
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer candle!!!

[Russinator]

A 2006 study by Texas A&M University found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year.

Another study by the American Beer Institute found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon - not bad!

[shinobi]

Got this one from my gf's mom:

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.
When the male dancer came over to us,
my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.
She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill,
and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks
the $50 bill.
I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately,
she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me!
Now everyone's attention is focused on me,
and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do?


The woman in me took over!
I got out my ATM card,
swiped it down the crack of his butt,
Grabbed the eighty bucks,
and left!!!!

[Russinator]

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)
 
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.
 
The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.
 
The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.
 
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.
 
With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!
 
The top 10 were:
 
10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
 
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
 
8. Viagra, like a rock!
 
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
 
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
 
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
 
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
 
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
 
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
 
And the unanimous number one slogan:
 
This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.