A Joke Thread

[Russinator]

[Russinator]

The perfect dog!!!

[zamboni]

For those of you who go to work each day and don't get to watch your cat at home...

I present, The Man Cat
(animated GIF)

[Russinator]

WILL I LIVE TO SEE 80?
(this story sounds like straight guy - me, but it's not!)

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you drink beer or wine?"

"Oh no,"I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"

Then he asked , "Do you eat steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said.

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even care?"

[Russinator]

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

     He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

     "There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.

     "An ambulance just drove by" " Looks like the Anderson's have company",he called out.

     "Matt's riding a new bike...."
     "Looks like the Sanders are moving"
     "Jason is on his skate board...."

     After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

     Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out,
     "How do you know they are having sex?"

     "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

[Russinator]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You CAN Be The Man Of Your House." He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve  me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to  draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going ! to dress me and comb my hair?" The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

[Russinator]

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. " A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, " A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

[Russinator]

A fart it is a pleasant thing,

It gives the belly ease,

It warms the bed in winter,

And suffocates the fleas.



                                                                     

A fart can be quiet,

A fart can be loud,

Some leave a powerful,

Poisonous cloud



A fart can be short,

Or a fart can be long,

Some farts have been known

To sound like a song......


A fart can create

A most curious medley,

A fart can be harmless,

Or silent , and deadly.



A fart might not smell,

While others are vile,

A fart may pass quickly,

Or linger a while......



A fart can occur

In a number of places,

And leave everyone there,

With strange looks on their faces.



From wide-open prairie,

To small elevators,

A fart will find all of

Us sooner or later.



But farts are all bad,

Is simply not true-

We must never forget.......

Sweet old farts like you!

[AustinBoston]

Sweet old farts like you!

Old fart, perhaps, but "sweet" is not a word I've heard to describe me.  

Austin

[Russinator]

So, you're not sweet. Neither am I. However, I am an old fart.

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.  He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

 The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

 The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9' high and sets him on the counter.

 He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

 He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

 The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

 The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

 This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

 So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

 'I will grant you one wish ... Just one wish ... each person is only allowed one!'

 The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want A million bucks!'

 A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.

 Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

 The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your Genie's' a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million Ducks.'

 "No kidding!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 9 inch Pianist?"

[Russinator]

[Russinator]

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better

on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results,

I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES

[campingcop]

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw
a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's M other Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.


President Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan!"

[Russinator]

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
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I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
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Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
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It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
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Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
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 THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[Russinator]

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
 
A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"