A Joke Thread

[Russinator]

Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.

One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.

When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

"Where ya been?" he slurred.

"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

[Russinator]

It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Flight Training, skipping boot camp.

The very first day at Pensacola Naval Flight Training, he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.

He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "You make only one velly impoltant mistake!"

[Russinator]

Subject: Who drugged Congress??

Think About This One!!! It is short but very interesting!

A car company can move it's factories to Mexico and claim it's a free
market.

A toy company can out source to a Chinese subcontractor and claim
it's a free market.

A shoe company can produce its shoes in southeast Asia and claim
it's a free market.

A major bank can incorporate in Bermuda to avoid taxes and claim
it's a free market.

We can buy HP Printers made inMexico .. We can buy shirts made in
Bangladesh . We can purchase almost anything we want from 20
different countries.

BUT, heaven help the senior citizens who dare to buy their
prescription drugs from a Canadian or Mexican pharmacy. That's called
un-American! And you think the pharmaceutical companies don't have a
powerful lobby? Think again!

[Russinator]

---------------------

Shopping at Wal-Mart

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house: mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have you

[Russinator]

A Couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure, they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't - and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up & down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave.

The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, Is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes ..." he replied "her name is Sally and.... She sells C cells by the sea shore"

[LACamper]

Sue was on a mission, not long ago; she wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the shoe stores at Lakeside Mall were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the snobbish attitude of one little store manager, Sue shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The store's manager derisively said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Leaving the store still determined, Sue hopped in her Saturn and headed down Airline Hwy towards Reserve, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving to his home in Ormond, when he spots Sue standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 15-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The store manager watched in amazement. Just then she flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[LACamper]

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, she's just in time for dinner and is treated to the best fish and chips she's ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.
She is met by two of the brothers. "Hello, I'm Brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles." "I'm very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I've ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?" Brother Charles replied, "Well, I'm the fish friar."
She turns the other brother and says, "Then you must be...?"
"Yes, indeed, I'm the chip monk."

[LACamper]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[LACamper]

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his
round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdy the second. On the third
hole he had just scored his first ever "hole in one" when his cell phone
rang.

 It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

 The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd
be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what
was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a
couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing
all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering
the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more
than 10.

 He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to
the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's
condition.
He doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you! I hope your proud of yourself! While you were out
for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has
been languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and finished
that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of
her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care
giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor started
to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago.
What'd you shoot?"

[Russinator]

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.


It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.


The new wine will be marketed as PINO MORE

[wavery]

A man owned a small apple farm in Washington State. An agent of The Washington State Wage & Hour Board dropped by, on a routine check to see if he was paying proper wages to his help.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," said the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "There's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the cook. She's been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board."

"Finally there's a half-wit who works 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $30 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me" said the farmer.

[Russinator]

[fallsrider]

...."That would be me" said the farmer.

I love it! The best jokes always have an element of truth in them.

[Russinator]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust clouds towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Bans and a YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd,

[Russinator]

Gotta Love Little Boys

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight,' the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.

He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.'