A Joke Thread

[TheViking]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. Thinking he's smarter than the deputy because he's a lawyer from New York and is certainly better educated then any cop from a small Texas town , decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.



The deputy says," License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

The lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop", says the deputy. "License and registration please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration please!" the Deputy says.

The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go without giving me a ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle sir" the deputy says.

The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving sh -- out of the lawyer and says........"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[Russinator]

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some jerk wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Wisconsin , sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Wisconsin ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Wisconsin " "Really?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[Russinator]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up Golf Courses" in the phone book.

[Russinator]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the Trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Trooper.

[Russinator]

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh, yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast.

I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down, that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he's a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jesse how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some Scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about us not wearing life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our Scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

By the way, what is a pedal file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer.

Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, George

[Twolarsons]

Baby Planes

A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas
City to Chicago.The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to
his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby
cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the
stewardess. So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess, "If
big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big
planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did...."
 
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to
you."

[Russinator]

Click on the photo below to make it larger

[Russinator]

The World's Shortest Books:

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan.

Illustrated by Michael Moore

________________________________________




MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________



THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton


________________________________



Sequel:


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton

___________________________________

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

___________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

_________________________________



THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry

_______________________________________
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
___________________________________
A COLLECTION of

MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

__________________________________



ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

____________________________________


GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

__________________________________


THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY


_______________________________________


MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson

_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy

___________________________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton

with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson

*******************************************************

Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!

By Nancy Pelosi

[Russinator]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came
out with tears in his eyes, I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said,
"You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.

This gun is loaded with blanks" she said.
I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil.
Don't mess with them.

[Russinator]

In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife.  Then on page two, the trouble starts."
 - Jay Leno

"In the book, she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said "I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.
No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said."
   - David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States.  Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed.  He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family."
- David Letterman

"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her  first party in her new home in Washington   People said it was a lot like  the parties she used to host at the White House.  In fact, even the furniture was the same."
- Jay Leno

[Russinator]

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gas, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent and said, "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go once round the block."

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block so another dog is pushing her home."

[zamboni]

The World's Shortest Books:

Uh...

http://www.arveeclub.com/showpost.php?p=172779&postcount=205

[Russinator]

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
----------
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
-----------
I 've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
---------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
------------------
W e have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
---------
I 'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
---------

[wavery]

Russ.........You really need to get a job.......or a hobby......or go camping.. :sombraro:

.......... :p look who's talking :J

[ChisholmTrail-er]

The following are new Error Messages planned for Windows Vista:

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?"
10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417 A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic