A Joke Thread

[ChisholmTrail-er]

Q: How many PMSing women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE? NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...

I'm sorry... what did you ask me?

[Russinator]

Russ.........You really need to get a job.......or a hobby......or go camping..
--------------------------------
Wavery, I tried that job thing. After 34 years on the fire department I decided I'd seen enough pain and suffering. So I turned in my boots and retired.

About a hobby, I have several. Surfing at the top of my list. Camping comes in 2nd. Chess and Photoshop are tired for 3rd place.

Time has passed so fast, it's hard to believe that I'm 64 years young [65 is right around the corner]. I've been surfing over 50 years now. The only thing I've been doing longer than surfing is eating and breathing.

Russ

[Russinator]

'Dear Lord: Thank you for bringing me to Timmy's house and not to Michael Vick's -AMEN!'

[AustinBoston]

"Dear Lord, thank you for bringing me to Timmy's house, but I'd much rather be chasing the rabbits out back than doing this silly stretch."

Cute photo.

Austin

[Russinator]

A Photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern California's wildfires last year. He wanted pictures of the heroic work the firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes.

When the photographer arrived on the scene, he realized that the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his getting good photographs from the ground level. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air.

His request was approved and he used his cell phone to call the local county airport to charter a flight. He was told a single engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go".

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded. "And I need to get some close-up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me is, you're NOT my flight instructor???"

[Russinator]

An upset wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.

"What'll ya have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

[Russinator]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

L: Have you any grounds?

P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

P: It made of concrete.

L: I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

L: I mean. What are your relations like?

P: All my relations still in Poland

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?

P: No, I always up before her.

L: Why do you want this divorce?

P: She going to kill me.

L: What makes you think that?

P: I got proof.

L: What kind of proof?

P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: Polish Remover'.

[Russinator]

Subject: Quick check for Alzheimer's

Quick Check for Alzheimer's: The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down

[Russinator]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bagout and starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now." "Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the < BR other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides. "Oh, so sad dear" says the other. And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21" "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".

"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly. "Oh, gracious me ...." Says the other. "And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18", she whispers. "Yes" says the friend enthusiastically,

"I remember when he first started school". He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Russinator]

A business man received an invoice that he didn't understand.

Knowing his secretary was good in math he asked her. " Hey Betty, you graduated from the University of Kentucky, if I gave you $20,000 minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

Betty thought for a minute and then said, " Everything but my ear rings."

[Russinator]

Catholic humor

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

[Russinator]

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.


 
Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the craft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather.

 
Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.

 
The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

 
The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient energy on board. No one on the ground was injured.


 
Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.


 
She was very lucky.

[Russinator]

Another Chinese toy recall

[PJay]

This isn't a joke, but, I didn't know where else to post it. Or, even if I should post it. I checked with Truth or Fiction to see if it's a hoax or not.

The World's First All-glass Undersea Restaurant Opens

The Maldives 15 April marks the day that the first ever all-glass undersea restaurant in the world opens its doors for business at the Hilton Maldives Resort & Spa.

It will sit five meters below the waves of the Indian Ocean, surrounded by a vibrant coral reef and encased in clear acrylic offering diners 270-degrees of panoramic underwater views.

"We have used aquarium technology to put diners face-to-face with the stunning underwater environment of the Maldives", says Carsten Schieck, General Manager of Hilton Maldives Resort & Spa. "Our guests always comment on being blown away by the colour, clarity, and beauty of the underwater world in the Maldives, so it seemed the perfect idea to build a restaurant where diners can experience fine cuisine and take time to enjoy the views - without ever getting their feet wet."

Created by MJ Murphy Ltd, a design consultancy based in New Zealand, It's distinctive feature is the use of curved transparent acrylic walls and roof, similar to those used in aquarium attractions. "The fact that the entire restaurant except for the floor is made of clear acrylic makes this unique in the world," continues Schieck, "We are currently planting a coral garden on the reef to add to the spectacular views of the rays, sharks and many colourful fish that live around the area.

Russinator:  Check out the following: http://www.clubairtravel.co.uk/rangali/hilton_maldives_ithaa.asp

It is very real and will open Dec 2007

[TheViking]

Seriously, what if you are enjoying a meal and a fish rips apart another fish? Or a fish swims by and relieves itself while your taking a bite of Sushi? It could happen, and some people don't have the stomach for that kind of stuff.
Personally, i would think it's cool, but I'm a bit off.