A Joke Thread

[wavery]

I had trouble with it........

I think I pulled a muscle in my stomach :J

My computer didn't have any trouble with it at all.

[AustinBoston]

I watched it on my computer, showed it to a co-worker on a work PC, and had my wife watch it on her laptop.  Not an issue.

Could the malicious attack have come from somewhere else and just coincided with your visit to the site?

Austin

[AustinBoston]

Me: Honey, don't you think Ben got his sense of humor from me?

PJay: He must have, I still have mine.



Austin

[Russinator]

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial...the lawyer was of course trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir.  But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.  Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir.  With my life."

Q: "With your life?  Let me ask you this then, officer.  Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do."

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Then why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted, and a prompt recess was called.

[Russinator]

Turn up your speakers and enjoy..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sV5bxaLDG-w

[zamboni]

Could the malicious attack have come from somewhere else and just coincided with your visit to the site?

Well, dang... I just reloaded it again, using the same method as last time (I use Firefox- open link, it won't run as I have scripting disabled, click my one-button "Launch link in IE", IE opens)... nothing this time.

I am now a bit concerned, as I have never seen the Norton popup window that I saw last night, before.

If it is some sort of freaky-coincidence, I am perplexed.  Perhaps it was one of the myriad of programs similar to what everybody has, "calling home" for updates at that time, which Norton detected.

********************

In any event, funny call.  I've heard several similar ones before, and have always wondered if they were scripted...

[Russinator]

Bible Stories by Kids

We all need a good laugh and these are enjoyable. A book titled Little Wonders, by Mary Hollingsworth, has stories concerning children.

This one was contributed by Todd and Jedd Hafer.

One of our favorite jobs has been leading junior church. We try to do more than baby-sit our church's beloved little ankle-biters during their time in our special junior church facility. We aim to give them a solid background in biblical history. At the end of each year, we give them pencils and paper and ask them to chronicle what they have learned. This assignment never fails to elicit some intriguing responses.

In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let our junior church students help you with this complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included fro gs , mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor they father and they mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jon ah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn" It would be nice to say, "As a matter of fact, I was.").

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the  Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

[Russinator]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside
restaurant  for lunch.  After finishing their meal, they left the
restaurant and resumed their trip.  When leaving, the elderly
woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she
didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty
minutes.  By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to
travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn
around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her
glasses.  All the way back, the elderly husband became the
classic grouchy old man.  He fussed and complained and
scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
 
The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became.  He
just wouldn't let up one minute.  To her relief, they finally
arrived at the restaurant.  As the woman got out of the car
and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer
yelled to her,
 
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the
credit card."

[Russinator]

We went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.

"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"

"No!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car

[Russinator]

Do you ever, ever think of switching places! See below?

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through , so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God , in his infinite wisdom , granted the man's wish.

The next morning , sure enough , the man awoke as a woman. -

He arose , cooked breakfast for his mate ,

awakened the kids ,

set out their school clothes ,

fed them breakfast ,

packed their lunches ,

drove them to school ,

came home and

picked up the dry cleaning ,

took it to the cleaners and

stopped at the bank to make a deposit , went grocery shopping ,

then drove home to put away the groceries ,

paid the bills and

balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P. M. and he hurried to make the beds ,

do the laundry ,

vacuum ,

dust , and

sweep and

Mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and

got the kids organized to do their homework ,

then set up the ironing board and

watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and

washing vegetables for salad ,

breaded the pork chops and

snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper , he cleaned the kitchen ,

ran the dishwasher ,

folded laundry ,

bathed the kids , and put them to bed.

At 9 P. M. he was exhausted and , though his daily chores weren't finished ,

he went to bed where he was expected to make love , which he managed

to get through without complaint.

The next morning , he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:

"Lord , I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please , oh! oh! please , let us trade back."

The Lord , in his infinite wisdom , replied:

"My son , I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months though. You got pregnant last night."

[Russinator]

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation
frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the
nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower,
he said, "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

[Russinator]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.

[Russinator]

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there... he was swept away.

The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: "Lord, my GOD, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"

A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"

A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"She responds, "He had a hat."

[Trailman]

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you
attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a dirt biker and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight on Sundays and out sliding around corners, "shootin" sand washes and riding up and down the steepest, gnarliest hills I can find at the crack of dawn."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 99 years old and, in fact, he went riding with me this Sunday, and that's why he's still alive... he's a dirt biker."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 117 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went dirt bikin' with you this Sunday too?"
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this week because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Good Lord!!! Why would a 117-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

[Russinator]

Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" "Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been cold, wet and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey." "No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." "Thanks for the tip," said the second bee and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "So how'd it go?" "Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table." "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee. "That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."