A Joke Thread

[Russinator]

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in economy class gets up

and moves to the First Class section and sits down.



The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She

then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will

have to go and sit in the back.



The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and

Im staying right here!' The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells

the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First

Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.



The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she

only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place and she will

have to leave and return to her original seat.



The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and

Im staying right here!' Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was

no use And that he probably should have the police waiting when they land

To arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.



The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a

blonde, and I speak fluent blonde!'' He goes back to the blonde, whispers

in her ear, and she says, 'Oh I'm so sorry - I had no idea,' gets up and moves

back to her seat in the economy section.



The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to

make her move without any fuss. The pilot replied, 'I told her First Class

isn't going to Melbourne .'

[Russinator]

I love this one, it's worth repeating, repeating, repeating

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics.

"So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying

"Errr .. 22!".

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?".

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!".

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying

"Mandy!".

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks,

"Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Ohh that!", replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' ".

[Russinator]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, 'What the heck is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied: 'I think I just beat the poo out of a ghost.'

Happy Halloween

[Russinator]

Strength



If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,


If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,


If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment


If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,



If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,


If you can conquer tension without medical help,


If you can relax without liquor ,



If you can sleep without the aid of drugs ,



Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

[AustinBoston]

Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

Rescue says "Woof!"

Austin

[Russinator]

removed

[Trailman]

Russ, i clicked on that link and my anti-virus program detected a virus.
Just thought i should let you know incase yours/anyones is not updated.

[Russinator]

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

[Russinator]

I rear ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car . . .

and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

And that's when the fight started.

[Russinator]

As a retired firefighter, when I was listening to the City Fathers begging for more Ground and Air units and watching the 24/7 coverage on all the local stations. Heck they even pre-empted Jerry Springer. Well I for one wanted to do something -- I could answer phones or Bird dog someone from up North any where in Malibu and Castaic. Donna and I got 164 cases of water donated for base camp with the local radio station KHAY 100.7 on Tuesday. That just wasn't enough for me -- so off I went to the attic and after 30 minutes Donna came up and there I was, standing in front of a mirror and she said what was I doing and why was I standing there in only my Helmet and socks. After a moment I said I was going to help and came to get ready -- I was sad to see that only my Helmet and Socks still fit.....................................
 
She said maybe we could get some more water..

[Russinator]

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...

In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following  conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...   Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".....and you do, don't you!

[Topflight]

Halloween Story
 
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image
of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward
him.
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him.
FASTER...FASTER...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in,
slams and locks the door behind him!
However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket
clapping...
clappity-BUMP...clappity-Bump...clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs!
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding;his head is reeling;his breath is coming in sobbing gasps!
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door! Bumping and clapping
toward him! The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all
he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough
syrup at the casket... and...THE COFFIN STOPS!!!!
 
Hope this made you groan and smile! Have a wonderful day!

[Russinator]

[Russinator]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas ,and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

[xjcrawler]

Sounds like Luther has been visiting Earlene :yikes: