A Joke Thread

[Russinator]

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard! !"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kid! s, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with thefemales n my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... um.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just... just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warn! ed. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50... Trip to the Vet - $30... Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie..... Priceless

Moral of the story Finish biology class -- lizards lay eggs!!!

[Russinator]

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
 
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
 
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
 
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
 
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
-------------
 "Laughter is God's sunshine. Take time to laugh for it is the music of the soul."

[Russinator]

[Russinator]

The story below is not a joke; however, it is worth reading - Russ



Babs Miller was bagging some early potatoes for me. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas.

I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller and the ragged boy next to me. "Hello Barry, how are you today?"

"H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas, sure look good."

"They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?"

"Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time."

"Good. Anything I can help you with?"

"No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas."

"Would you like to take some home?"

"No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with."

"Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?"

"All I got's my prize marble here."

"Is that right? Let me see it."

"Here 'tis. She's a dandy."

"I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?"

"Not zackley, but almost."

"Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble."

"Sure will. Thanks Mr Miller."

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, "There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, perhaps."

I left the stand smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado, but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering.

Several years went by, each more rapidly than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community, and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his viewing that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased, and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.

Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform, and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts --- all very professional looking.

They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket.

Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and mentioned the story she had told me about the marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.

"Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim "traded" them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size --- they came to pay their debt."

"We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world," she confided, "but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho."

With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

Moral: We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.

Today. I wish you a day of ordinary miracles --- A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself --- An unexpected phone call from an old friend --- Green stoplights on your way to work --- The fastest line at the grocery store --- A good sing-along song on the radio --- Your keys right where you left them.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, An hour to appreciate them, A day to love them, But an entire life to forget them.

[Russinator]

One Day A Guy Told A Bunch Of Us A Polish Joke, And One Guy Said - Hey Joe,  How Come You Alla Time Making Fun Of Dose Polaks? Don't Ya Know That They Are Very Intelligent People?  As A Matter Of Fact They Invented Something That You And I Use Every Day And Three Or Four Times On Saturday Night!  Yeah, What's That Buddy?  Why, They Invented The Toilet Seat!  No Kidding He Replied. Yep! Of Course About Five Years Later German Ingenuity Put The Hole In It!

[Russinator]

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whisky.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up."

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"

[Russinator]

The Receptionist

 

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others, what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a

Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.  

 

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

 

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.
 
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."


"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.


The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."  The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
 
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.


The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, Yes??"
 
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.


The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't pea out of it," he replied.


The waiting room erupted in laughter.

....Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose.

[Russinator]

Classic... don't tell me you can read this without laughing...

(Only a guy would do this!) A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this :

Last weekend at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on an assailant. The idea is to allow my wife -- who would never consider a gun --adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded in two triple-a batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. But then I read (yes, 'read') that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs and I'd know it was working.

Awesome!!! (Actually, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave). Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

So, I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

You should know, if you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected what little wits I had left, sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles!! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock, Russ

[Russinator]

Two elderly friends, Jack and Tom, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Jack didn't show up. Tom didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Jack hadn't shown up for a week or so, Tom got worried. Unfortunately he didn't know where Jack lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

After a month passed, Tom figured he had seen the last of Jack, but one day, Tom approached the park and -- lo and behold there sat Jack ! Tom, excited and happy, said how glad he was to see him, then blurted out, "For crying out loud, what on earth happened to you?"

"I've been in jail," Jack said, with some embarrassment.

"Jail?" cried Tom. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Jack said, "you know Marilyn , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Tom, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

"And you were convicted of rape?", asked Tom, stunned.

Jack replied, "No, the judge gave me thirty days for perjury."

[Russinator]

Husband and wife in bed together.  


She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

 

She:  "Oh, that feels good."  


His hand moves to her breast.


She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."  


His hand moves to her leg.  


She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."


But he stops.


She:  "Why did you stop?"


He: "I found the remote."*

[Russinator]

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts."

"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required  amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH
AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

[Russinator]

Two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. The two were at the same table, across from one another As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration' , she answered "Yes. Yes, I will." The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart" Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

[Russinator]

A man was telling his neighbor in Trailer Estates, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor "What kind is it?" " Twelve thirty "

[Russinator]

Because I'm a man , when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a
coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option.
I will win.
___________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another
man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix
these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't
know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind,
as a form of holy communion.
____________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get
as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

__________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
"cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

__________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist
on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as
much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

___________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator instead.

_________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The
true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make
up something else when you ask, so just don't ask.

______________________________________________________________ _____

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . . and if you are
feeling amorous afterwards . . then I will certainly at least remember the
name and recommend it to others.

__________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your butt look too
big. It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas that did that. Your hair
is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

___________________________________________________________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like
wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

This has been a public service message for women to better understand men. .

[Russinator]

Sam was in his early 50's, retired, and had started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time.

Everyday, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk.

"Sam, I have to tell you. I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."

"Well, good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Fire Department. What did they say if you came in late there?"

They said, "Good morning, Chief ."