A Joke Thread

[Russinator]

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEATDOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

8. One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma."

[Russinator]

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."

Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable."

And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve."

And Adam said, "What is 'caress'?"

So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss!"

And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve."

And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"

So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

[Russinator]

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."

Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."

Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

[Russinator]

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

[Russinator]

One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out. He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.

After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.

Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"

Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when it's your mom is it?!"

[TheViking]

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100. The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud." So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?" The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond. The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead. The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?" Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"

[Russinator]

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first
anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary Medicine it is
necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not
be disgusted by anything involving the animal body." For an example, the
Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow,
withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told
his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took
turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if
you're stupid."

[Russinator]

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

[Russinator]

Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns over Women

 
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

 
#9.   You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

 
#8.   If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

 
#7.   Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

 
#6.   Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

 
#5.   A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

 
#4.   Guns function normally every day of the month.

 
#3.   A gun doesn't ask , 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'

 
#2.   A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

 
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....

 
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN

[Russinator]

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."

"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

[Russinator]

There will be no nativity scene in the United

State Congress, this year! The Supreme Court has

ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in the

United States capital this Christmas season.


 

This isn't for any religious reason; they

 simply have not been able to find three wise men and

a virgin in the nation's capitol.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses

to fill the stable.

[Russinator]

I was in a customer's home one afternoon and while I was talking to the customer, their 4 year old little girl whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pants leg and excitedly exclaimed, "I got a new bicycle, do you want to see it?"

I said, "Sure Michelle."

So off to the backyard we went. Upon getting into the backyard, I saw a brand new girl's bicycle. "Boy, Michelle!! That's a beautiful bicycle." I complimented. "Can you ride it?"

"Yeah, I can ride it," she said, then with a sad face he pouted, "but it's broke."

I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything wrong with it, so I asked her, "What's wrong with it?"

"I don't know," she shrugged, "but every time I ride it, it falls down!"
--------

[Russinator]

HOW TRUE IT IS..........




Another year has passed

And we're all a little older.

Last summer felt hotter

And winter seems much colder.

I wrack my brain for happy thoughts,

To put down on my pad,

But lots o f things,

That come to mind,

Just make me kind of sad.


There was a time not long ago,

When life was quite a blast.

Now I fully understand,

About "Living in the Past".


We used to go to friends homes,

Baseball games and lunches.

Now we go to therapy, to hospitals,

And after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,

From parties that were gay. ***(did I say GAY??) **

Now we suffer body aches,

And sleep the night away.


We used to go out dining,

And couldn't get our fill.

Now we ask for doggie bags,

Come home and take a pill.


We used to travel often,

To places near and far.

Now we get backaches,

From riding in the car.


We used to go out shopping,

For new clothing at the Mall,

But, now we never bother...

All the sizes are too small.


That, my friend is how life is,

And now my tale is told.

So, enjoy each day and live it up...

Before you're too damn old!!

[Russinator]

A*man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk,*"Are you ready to find Jesus?"



"Yes I am"*replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,*"Brother have you found Jesus?"



The drunk replies,*"No, I haven't."*The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again,*"Have you found Jesus, my brother?"



The drunk again answers,*"No, I have not found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again,*"For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"



The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[Russinator]

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in. She turned and said,'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

His eyes lit up and he thought, 'This is my lucky day.' Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained... 'The egg timer's broken.'