A Joke Thread

[Russinator]

[Russinator]

Dog Pack Attacks Gator in Florida


At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.


The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the "apex predator", can still fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and "survival of the pack mentality" bred into the canines.


See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine. Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the gator.



Not for the squeamish!



This  is  not  for  children



Photo below

[Russinator]

Wisdom for the ages:

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

 2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
 
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
 
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
 
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
 
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
 
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
 
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
 
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
 
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
 
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
 
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 am. It could be a right number.
 
13. Think about this ... No one ever says, "It's only a game" when his team is winning.
 
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
 
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
 
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
 
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD
LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden
Oldies!)
 
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to
cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
 
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you
are probably dead.
 
 

KEEP SMILING!!!!!!

[Russinator]

GOTTA LOVE THE IRISH !!
 
We've all seen the faces of those ravaged by the floods of New Orleans etc.....
 
This "award-winning" photograph of the recent flood waters rising in Ireland captures the horror and suffering there.
 
Keep these people in your thoughts and prayers.

[Russinator]

HILLARY'S PHYSICAL

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant. She is furious! Here she is right in the middle of her first run for president, and, as Senator of New York, this has happened to her.


Hillary calls home and Bill answers the phone. She immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found out, I am five weeks pregnant, and it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to say?"


There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.


She screams again, "Did you hear me?"


Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

[Russinator]

It was Easter Sunday, the egg hunt was over and the farmer's son was bored. So he decided to have some fun and mess with the rooster.

He ran into the chicken coop and replaced the hen's eggs with the dyed ones he'd found.

A few minutes later, the rooster returned to the coop, saw the colored eggs -- stormed outside to beat up the peacock.

[Russinator]

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring ya back.

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke"

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to ya."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well."

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy , "I will have to ring ya back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform ya that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and finally decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners.

[Russinator]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just
walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.

He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter

"Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says ...

"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day."

[Russinator]

A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The "Motorist" instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.
 
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the "Violator" for his signature.
 
The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember you're an Asshole!"
 
Three months later they are in court. The "Violator" has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?
 
The Officer responds, "Yes sir, this is the defendants copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
 
Attorney: Officer , is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don't normally make?
 
Officer: Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH , underlined.
 
Attorney: What does the AH stand for, officer?
 
Officer: "Aggressive and Hostile Sir"
 
Attorney: Aggressive and hostile "Yes Sir?
 
Attorney: Officer,,,, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?
 
Officer: Well Sir, You know your client better than I do

[Russinator]

A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter. The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes, and he could instruct her via radio. So up the blonde went.

She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet.

The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was going smoothly.

At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods.

The instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.

"What happened?" the instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"

"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan."

[Russinator]

A man had lost one of his arms. One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
 
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all.  
 
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself. I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.  
 
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
 
The man with no arms began dancing and kicking up his heels again.
 
The one armed man asked, "why are you so happy anyway?"
 
He said, "I'm NOT happy .... my butt itches."

[Russinator]

Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Cokie Roberts, and a tough old U.S. Marine
Sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq.  The leader of the
terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before
they were beheaded .

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot
spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with
the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Peter Jennings said, "I am Canadian, so I'd like to hear the song "O Canada"
one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western
world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag Musicians and played
the anthem. Jennings sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape
recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the
end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts
dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
 

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final
wish?"

"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.

"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the
Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol
from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting
confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed
the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or
fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather, Jennings, and Roberts, they asked him,
"Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to
kick you in the ass first?

"What," replied the Marine, "and have you three A holes report that I was
the aggressor?

[Russinator]

Just came across this exercise to build muscle strength in the arms
and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some
of my friends.

The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on
a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 2 kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out
from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a
full minute, then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato sacks.
Then 10 kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you
can lift a 50kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arm straight
for more than a full minute (I'm at this level).

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

[Russinator]

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us
have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the
Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. has recently revealed the true story.
 
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her
wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a
convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United
States. If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones
giving technical advice.

[Russinator]

A really Great Card Trick

Turn up the sound and listen, watch and enjoy. a great card trick
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C96Hc1m7pRU