A Joke Thread

[Russinator]

I could be wrong, but judging by his hat, I don

[Russinator]

To see full size click on the photo below. Russ

[Russinator]

Liberals and Conservatives.
 
For those that do not know about history, here is a condensed version...
 
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals; and 2. Conservatives.
 
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.
 
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass
 
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
 
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
 
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
 
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.

[AustinBoston]

To see full size click on the photo below. Russ

Don't want to go across that ledge with the left pedal down!

Austin

[Russinator]

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "Ahem... You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "He can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

[Russinator]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five
years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders
in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine,
in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the
crash.

They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states the recorded last
words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, shit!!"

The states of Tennessee, Texas, West Virginia, Alabama, Arkansas, Louisiana and Kentucky were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:
"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin'."

In California, the most often words were "let me call you right back".

[Russinator]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
 
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
 
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
 
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
 
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

[Russinator]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
 
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
 
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
 
"Oh my, I am so sorry, "the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
 
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
 
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
 
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
 
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
 
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
 
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
 
"No, "she replies. . . . . " .
 
"You just happened to catch my eye."

[Russinator]

Four United States Presidents get caught up in a tornado, and off they whirled to the land of OZ.

They finally made it to the Emerald City and went to find the Great Wizard.

"What brings the 4 of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly and said: "I've come for some courage."

" No Problem! said the Wizard. Who ' s next?"

Richard Nixon stepped forward, "Well, I think I need a heart."

"Done! says the Wizard. Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up stepped Bush and says,

"I'm told by some of the American people that I need a brain."

"No problem said the Wizard. Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, But he doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,

"Well, what do you want?

"IS DOROTHY HERE?"

[brainpause]

To see full size click on the photo below. Russ

Glad they are wearing helmets!!!



Larry

[AustinBoston]

Glad they are wearing helmets!!!

The fact is, they are totally irrelevant...but that may be your point...in a fall from there, only a parachute would help.  :yikes:

Austin

[Russinator]

[brainpause]

Glad they are wearing helmets!

Larry

The fact is, they are totally irrelevant...but that may be your point...in a fall from there, only a parachute would help.  :yikes:

Austin

Yep...that was my point.  It would be like wearing leather chaps as you crossed a busy freeway...it wouldn't matter much.

Larry

[Russinator]

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard these terms which reference the word service:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service Telephone Service
Civil Service
City and County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

[Russinator]