DD is driving!

[springer02]

Help!!  My 16 year old DD just got her official drivers license.  She's a really good kid with a sensible head on her shoulders but this Mom still worries.  She got my 1999 Jeep Grand Cherokee so she has a safe and reliable car.  

My question is:  how do I stress to her the importance of being a responsible driver, going where she says she's going to be, etc. etc. I have her call when she gets to work (5 minutes away if the lights are red) and when she's leaving to come home. Same with going to friends' houses.  Am I over the edge as she thinks I am or am I being reasonable?  Friends with older kids having differing opinions, some think I let her go too much and others think I;m over-protectice.

I guess I'm thinking about this because she's at a friends' house now!

Thanks for your input!

Tena

[wavery]

You know what.....NONE of us can advise you on this........

Your daughter has a certain built in character. There is NOTHING that you (or anyone else) can do at this point to change that. However, you are more familiar with her character than any of us. If she has the character to handle the responsibility, maybe she should be trusted. If she does not have the character to handle this responsibility, don't let her have it. If you do, then YOU are the irresponsible one and if something happens, you can't point the finger at her.

Might be time to lighten up Mom........either you've instilled values in her or you haven't. It's WAY too late do it now. . That had to take place when she was a toddler. :sombraro:

BTW.....worrying is your job.....just don't try to put your job off on her. If that's all you're doing, you might want to think about why.....it may be slightly self-serving . It may be YOU that you are trying to protect. There is no up-side to that. You might want to consider sitting back and worrying in silence.....that's what Moms are good at.

[austinado16]

Like it or not, that's some sage advice there Wayne.

Living in southern CA which has to be the land of idiot punk kids driving irresponsibly, about the only thing I would say is consider a curfew, and possibly a rule about no friends getting rides.  The really stupid stuff appears to begin when a car full of teens heads off together.

Another thing to consider is this:  "You can call anytime, day or night, no questions asked at the time, for a ride home if for any reason you are ever drinking or for whatever reason, not in a position to drive.  I'm not saying it's a get out of jail free card and we'll talk about all that the following day.  Better to wake me up at Oh-dark-thirty for a ride than to live the rest of your life having killed your friends or someone else......or, for me to come down and identify what's left of you."

[springer02]

Thanks for your KIND words, austinado!

We've always told her that she can call at any time and for any reason.  Our code is, "I need khaki's tomorrow."  Never had to use it, yet!

Tena

[wavery]

Like it or not, that's some sage advice there Wayne.

Living in southern CA which has to be the land of idiot punk kids driving irresponsibly, about the only thing I would say is consider a curfew, and possibly a rule about no friends getting rides.  The really stupid stuff appears to begin when a car full of teens heads off together.

Another thing to consider is this:  "You can call anytime, day or night, no questions asked at the time, for a ride home if for any reason you are ever drinking or for whatever reason, not in a position to drive.  I'm not saying it's a get out of jail free card and we'll talk about all that the following day.  Better to wake me up at Oh-dark-thirty for a ride than to live the rest of your life having killed your friends or someone else......or, for me to come down and identify what's left of you."

Thankfully, in CA kids have to be 18 (I think) before their friends can ride with them in the car without an adult (whatever that means) present.

I have actually been impressed with my grandkids driving and I have seen more adults driving irresponsibly than teenagers.

My #1 concern is Cell phone usage. It is so darn dangerous and now.....text messaging behind the wheel :yikes: . I see it all the time. However (again) it is usually people in there 20s.

[dthurk]

I think it's just respectful to let your loved ones know your whereabouts.  I never leave the house without DW knowing where I'm going and about when I expect to return.  It's just a common courtesy.  I don't call her when I get there, nor do I call when I'm starting back.  I wouldn't expect my daughters to do that either.  IMHO, that would be over the top, but that's my judgement and you need to make that call for yourself.  I did expect to know where they were, and trusted that their word was good.  There were times I was betrayed on that, but that's another issue.  They are now 28 and 26.  We're going to do it all over again with our 12 y.o.

[GeneF]

First six months, no more than one other person in the car as a passenger unless permission to do so is given by a parent.

Cell phone is only to be used if you are parked, not while driving.

We live in a rural area with a lot of back roads and no lights.  Drive to nearest city is 30 miles. Common practice is to please call when you get there and give a buzz when you leave a friends house to come home.
DW and I also do this.

No car while in high school but you may use my car provided you pay for your cost of the insurance AND you leave gas in it.  DS and DD complained about not having a car of their own but appreciate it now that they do have a car and have to pay for full upkeep.

Our philosophy was that we would rather have the kids involved in school activities than own a car and work after school to support it.  Kids did work on a Saturday or a Sunday and during school vacations but not during the school week.  This is the problem when you have two teachers as parents.

Each Christmas, each child was given a membersip in AAA.  DS used it twice, DD has not had too.

Yup, two hardest things I had to do with my kids.  One was the first time each of them pulled out of the driveway alone.  The second was even harder, watching dd pull out of the driveway to go out on her first date and a 16 year old boy was driving.  (Five years later they are still dating).

As my daughter once said to me, Dad, you and Mom gave us our values, now it is up to us.  All you can do is trust your kids at this age.

[AustinBoston]

One of the things I was taught about a license...it is not a "license to drive," but a "license to learn."

I know how kids will often get around the "no passengers" rule, because I know my daughter was often in a car with a newly-minted licensee.  "I'm her sister," whether or not it's true.

As my kids have obtained their licenses, I released them gradually.  Five minutes down the road is no big deal.  Driving for half an hour to get somewhere is, as is driving in conditions that are totally unfamiliar.

IMHO, no teen should be allowed to drive on the interstate alone without at least 8 hours of practice.  This should include driving in construction zones and stop-and-go traffic as well as high speeds.  They need to enter and exit at least 50 times.  By comparison, most teens get less than 5 minutes of interstate driving in driver's ed.  This does not have to happen before the test...I've never heard of someone being taken on the interstate on their driving test.

Just because they have their license does not mean the instruction has to stop.  Have your teen drive *everywhere* the family goes, even after they have their license.  There is nothing wrong with continued supervised experience after the license is granted.  Because you do this does not mean they can't be allowed to drive on their own; it's a matter of letting them out of the nest gradually.

I live just off one of the most dangerous roads in America.  The intersection that I use every day has had 4 accidents requiring lifeflights and one fatality in the four years that I have lived here (one teen killed and 6 teens injured).  If you take a two mile section on either side (4 miles total), there have been 4 fatal accidents (6 dead total), including 5 teenagers.  We knew personally the only adult killed.  

I have little doubt that my son will be safe when he drives on it, even though it kills more than one person per year, mostly teenagers.  Why?  Because I started by identifying the things that made it dangerous, including speed (65 MPH limit), a sense that you can see when you can't (masking vehicles), a sense of familiarity (looks like a lot of other roads, but it's not), difficulty in determining which lane an approaching car is in, lack of understanding by some drivers about rules of right-of-way, and a number of other factors.  I made my son drive that road.  And drive it.  And drive it.  I made him enter it and exit it.  Approach the intersection from all directions.  Enter and turn left, enter and turn right.  Exit to the left, exit to the right.  And every time, I said "This road can kill you, and it wants to kill you.  It will kill you if you give it just one single chance.  With this road, always be patient, always double-check, and always do it right."  

Minnesota requires 30 hours of experience, including 10 at night.  He will have about 70.  Remember, that is a minimum, not an exact amount.  Most really need more.  DS would be ready now, but it gets dark so late here in the summer, we're having trouble getting night driving hours in.

For some reason it is assumed by everyone around here that a newly minted teen will get in an accident.  Personally, I find that both unacceptable and offensive.  My granddaughter should not be put at risk because your teen driver wasn't up to doing so.

If you are not confident enough in your child's driving to put your head down and read a book while riding with them, then they should not have a license.

Austin

[austinado16]

Some really excellent stuff there Austin!

The redriving the dangerous road with your son is fantastic.  

As a long time motorcycle rider, I drive the way I ride:  "I'm invisible, no one can see me, and everyone is going to pull out in front of me, merge into me, stop short in front of me, and broadside me at an intersection."  I don't consider it paranoid driving, or even defensive.  I consider it being on the offense.

It would be great if more parents taught their kids to drive with the kind of awareness that you are teaching your son, and on top of that, if they would send their kids to a defensive driving school.

I agree about the kid driving 100% of the time with the family and that you should have them skilled enough that you can sit there and not pay attention.

I'd ad to that.......disconnect the stereo!

[TheViking]

You know, back in the days before cell phones and text messaging, the biggest worry you had on the road was the lady next to you putting her mascara on. And we would say how dangerous that was!

[Camping Coxes]

I'm right with you.  My now 17YO son started driving just over six months ago.  I always point out boneheaded moves we see on the road and keep reminding him that it's not his driving he has to worry about, but those around him.  He's had two close calls with teen drivers making left turns from the right-most lane, right in front of him driving a big Suburban.  He's been able to handle it, but had to hit the center median one time to avoid a collision.
 
One other thing I do, without lecture, is whenever there's an article in the paper about teens getting in serious accidents or even dying, usually because of doing something stupid, I cut it out and place it on his pillow.  I want him to learn from other's mistakes, rather than him be an article in the paper next time.  
 
I used to make him call me when he got to where he was going.  After he forgot to call twice and I called him to chastise him, he told me, "Mom, we've got to end this relationship.  It's time to cut the umbilical cord."   So now I don't require him to call, but he usually does anyway.  
 
It' s hard to let go and trust them, but we have to.  Heck, he's doing better than I did.  I hit a parked car my first day driving by myself!!!

[OC Campers]

We are gong thru the same thing.  Our 16 year old dd is set to take her driving test 8/14.  I am scared and happy for her all at the same time.  My dad  gave us his 1996 Dodge Intrepid as a 3rd car and this will be the vehicle she will be driving.  It is as big as a boat but she likes to drive it.  As a parent it is so hard to let go of the apron strings.  I remember when I got my license the first time and how exciting it was.  I want her to have that same feeling but now as the parent I am a nervous wreck.  She is a very level headed girl and  seems to be a fairly cautious driver.   Today she landed her first part-time job so she can pay her part of the insurance and her gas.  
 
Wayne (Wavery) the kid has to hold a drivers license for 1 year before they can carry a friend in the car.  Now she can carry a blood sibling in the car if she has a signed consent note from her parent.   This is the one area that worries me about Kendra.  She keeps asking to go out with her friend who has only been licensed for 6 months.  NOT HAPPENING.  I made it clear to her that if she gives anyone a ride during her probation period, or gets caught talking/texting on her cell phone while driving she will be pounding the pavement with the mode of trasportation that God gave her:yikes: .
 
One good thing about her driving a car that belongs to me is I use it to my full advantage.  If she doesn't do a chore, doesn't come home on time, gets a bad grade, doesn't keep her room somewhat clean etc... she doesn't get the keys to the car.  It has been so nice not having to hire a demo crew to clean her room.
 
Jacqui

[wavery]

We are gong thru the same thing.  Our 16 year old dd is set to take her driving test 8/14.  I am scared and happy for her all at the same time.  My dad  gave us his 1996 Dodge Intrepid as a 3rd car and this will be the vehicle she will be driving.  It is as big as a boat but she likes to drive it.  As a parent it is so hard to let go of the apron strings.  I remember when I got my license the first time and how exciting it was.  I want her to have that same feeling but now as the parent I am a nervous wreck.  She is a very level headed girl and  seems to be a fairly cautious driver.   Today she landed her first part-time job so she can pay her part of the insurance and her gas.  
 
Wayne (Wavery) the kid has to hold a drivers license for 1 year before they can carry a friend in the car.  Now she can carry a blood sibling in the car if she has a signed consent note from her parent.   This is the one area that worries me about Kendra.  She keeps asking to go out with her friend who has only been licensed for 6 months.  NOT HAPPENING.  I made it clear to her that if she gives anyone a ride during her probation period, or gets caught talking/texting on her cell phone while driving she will be pounding the pavement with the mode of trasportation that God gave her:yikes: .
 
One good thing about her driving a car that belongs to me is I use it to my full advantage.  If she doesn't do a chore, doesn't come home on time, gets a bad grade, doesn't keep her room somewhat clean etc... she doesn't get the keys to the car.  It has been so nice not having to hire a demo crew to clean her room.
 
Jacqui

Jacqui,

Kendra appears to me to be a very nice, level headed and intelligent young lady. I'm sure that she will do just fine.

That, "no other kids in the car" rule is a smart thing. I just wonder how many kids really obey the rule once they are out of sight. Kendra certainly doesn't look 16 and she knows it. However, it should make these young people be more cautious, if they are in violation.

On the other hand, trust goes a long ways toward building character in young adults. When I was a kid, Dad made me buy my own horse & buggy :p , pay for the insurance & gas and (I thought) never gave it a 2nd thought. It gave me a lot of confidence and I feel that it made a difference in my life.

My parents were not the protective type. When we fell down, we had to pick ourselves up. At the time, I felt that it was sorta cold on occasion. However, it gave me the confidence to know that I could do it (and anything else that I wanted to do).

In later years, I talked to Dad about it (Mom died when I was 10). He told me how painful it was to watch me get hurt and how proud he was when I recovered on my own. He told me that my getting my DL was the scariest time in his life. I drove like a maniac but he knew that removing my privileges was not going to change that and punishing me would only make me bitter at that age. There was little up-side to it and he knew it.

He was right IMO. I took my lumps, destroyed a few cars (mechanically) and ended up walking or taking the bus until I could get the car fixed or buy another one. That was ""the deal" and it taught me a lot of hard life lessons.

[austinado16]

When I was a kid, Dad made me buy my own horse & buggy :p , pay for the insurance & gas and (I thought) never gave it a 2nd thought. It gave me a lot of confidence and I feel that it made a difference in my life.

My parents were not the protective type. When we fell down, we had to pick ourselves up. At the time, I felt that it was sorta cold on occasion. However, it gave me the confidence to know that I could do it (and anything else that I wanted to do).

In later years, I talked to Dad about it (Mom died when I was 10). He told me how painful it was to watch me get hurt and how proud he was when I recovered on my own. He told me that my getting my DL was the scariest time in his life. I drove like a maniac but he knew that removing my privileges was not going to change that and punishing me would only make me bitter at that age. There was little up-side to it and he knew it.

He was right IMO. I took my lumps, destroyed a few cars (mechanically) and ended up walking or taking the bus until I could get the car fixed or buy another one. That was ""the deal" and it taught me a lot of hard life lessons.

I personally think this is a great way to go and it's the same way I was raised.  Had to earn my own money to buy my own car, and learned to work on it myself, and pay for it, etc.  It seems all too common a story that when kids are "gifted" a car, whether it's a hand-me-down from the family fleet, the grandparent's ride, or something Dad has restored as a gift, within a very short time, it's destroyed inside and out.......and the kid is standing there expecting another one.

[OC Campers]

Jacqui,
 
Kendra appears to me to be a very nice, level headed and intelligent young lady. I'm sure that she will do just fine.
 
That, "no other kids in the car" rule is a smart thing. I just wonder how many kids really obey the rule once they are out of sight. Kendra certainly doesn't look 16 and she knows it. However, it should make these young people be more cautious, if they are in violation.
 
On the other hand, trust goes a long ways toward building character in young adults. When I was a kid, Dad made me buy my own horse & buggy :p , pay for the insurance & gas and (I thought) never gave it a 2nd thought. It gave me a lot of confidence and I feel that it made a difference in my life.
 
My parents were not the protective type. When we fell down, we had to pick ourselves up. At the time, I felt that it was sorta cold on occasion. However, it gave me the confidence to know that I could do it (and anything else that I wanted to do).
 
In later years, I talked to Dad about it (Mom died when I was 10). He told me how painful it was to watch me get hurt and how proud he was when I recovered on my own. He told me that my getting my DL was the scariest time in his life. I drove like a maniac but he knew that removing my privileges was not going to change that and punishing me would only make me bitter at that age. There was little up-side to it and he knew it.
 
He was right IMO. I took my lumps, destroyed a few cars (mechanically) and ended up walking or taking the bus until I could get the car fixed or buy another one. That was ""the deal" and it taught me a lot of hard life lessons.

Thanks for the kind words about Kendra, Wayne.  I can't complain too much about her.  For a 16 year old she is a wonderful, compassionate child.  I raised her and her brothers also the way you talked about how your dad did (for the most part).  She is adventurous and not aftraid to do anything.  In fact she just came back from a 3 week trip to Europe.  I hoped that this trip would get rid of any ideas of moving out of the country.  All it did was enforce where she wants to move to (france) .  
 
I know she has good common sense (which a lot of teens lack).  It now all comes down to whether she uses it behind the wheel of the car.  She know's that she only gets this one freebie car.  If she wrecks it, she must buy the next one.
 
Jacqui