Unwritten Truths #2: The Heartbreak of Hookups (long)

[AustinBoston]

This is second in a series about camping with a pop-up that you won't read in any guide.

Ah, yes.  Everyone would have you believe that the best thing about pop-ups is the hookups.  You can run your lights off the electric hookup.  You can run your sink off the water hookup.  You can drain your sink, shower, and potti with the sewer hookup.  You can ring your bell with the phone hookup, watch your TV with the cable hookup, and surf the web with the broadband hookup.

This line is pushed by the campground owners, by the trailer dealers, by the accessory retailers, and even (horrors) by the members of the Arvee Club!  They'll have you think you can be warm in the cold months, cool in the hot months, have light in the dark, be able to stick the kids in front of the TV durning a rainstorm, be able to make midnight runs to the john without going outside, keep up with the Arvee Club while on the road, and generally enjoy a quality of life as good as, or perhaps even better than, at home in your own bed.

Don't you believe it.

Those hookups are the enemy.  They are there to confound you, to trick you, to frustrate you, and to make your life miserable.  Here, you will get an honest look at the supposedly humble hookup, and help you be aware of some of the dangerous traps that they set just for you.

The Post

Did I say The Post?  Most hookup problems come to a head at The Post.  It's 2-3 feet tall.  It's invisible while backing.  You are not the first to hit it.  It hates being hit.  It will get revenge.  And it can move.

The post seems innocent enough at first.  It's usually a grey thing with a water spigot on one side and an electrical box on the other.  But think for a moment.  Ever heard that water and electricity don't mix?  So who's idea was it to put them on the same post?  See how the alarm bells should already be going off?  You are going to be struck by the Heartbreak of Hookups.

The Post may have been in the middle of the way while you were backing in, but it will be far, far away when you try to plug in.  That is the first sign of trouble with most hookups.  The short hose will be too short, the long one will be too long.  The electrical will need...the dreaded extension cord.  And if you try to use the cable or phone hookups, well, my sympathies.

Electrical Hookups

The electrical hookup is the most sinister of hookups.  It pretends to be among the most valuable, as it is one of the most popular types of hookups found, both on pop-ups and at campgrounds.  Supposedly, electrical hookups will run your lights, your heater, your air conditioner, your water pump, and charge your battery.

But let's take a look at the electrical hookup.  First, look at the plug.  A few pop-ups have a standard plug that will plug in anywhere, but understand that those plugs are a mistake.  Most of us have this huge contraption on the end of an overly-thick (and therefore stiff) cable that is never quite long enough.  It won't plug into any outlet you have at home.  And do you know why?  So that you have to use...the adapter!  This is a seemingly humble little device that goes between the plug on the cable and the outlet on our friend, The Post.

You open the cover on electrical box on The Post, only to discover that it has every conceivable type of outlet except the one you need.  So you pull out the adapter, to discover that another camper has already used the outlet that the adapter needs.  And the other camper has four bubbas, three large dogs, a couple shotguns in the rack in each pickup, and more beer than a Dallas Cowboys home game.  So you won't be touching their plug.

If, on the off chance you got their first, you'll discover the only outlet you can use is half melted.  There will be soot on the inside of the box from the electrical fire.  And the circuit breaker will trip the moment you plug into it.  If you're lucky, only the breaker on the post will trip, but more often than not, you will knock out half the loop.  And because of the screams (from the electrical shock), the flash (from the sparks), and the smoke and stench (from the electrical fire), everyone will know YOU are the reason they will miss the end of the NASCAR race.

Water

Don't be fooled.  This seemingly innocent little item will get you.  Once again, we find the water hookup on The Post.  It's usually right under the electrical hookup.  If it's higher than electrical hookup, then this is a pshychotic post instead of a simply vengeful post, and you should select a different campground.

No matter what you read about washers, hoses, and the like, no matter how much you twist and turn, and no matter what pliers you use, you will not be able to stop the leak.  You know which one I mean, the one that sprays the electrical box with a fine stream of water so that things can go terribly wrong there.  If you're lucky, that will be the worst of your troubles.

Another frequent problem with water hookups is that previous campers have done all they can to stop the leak.  If the faucet is half bent over, that's a bad sign.  What they have done is to use bigger and bigger pliers, trying to stop the leak, until they stripped out the threads on the faucet.  You will not be able to get a good connection.  If you're lucky, all you will get is a bad leak.  But it's more likely that the hose will simply pop off the spigot at half past bedtime.  Eventually, the sound of running water will trigger the need for a midnight run.  You will be too groggy to think about it, but the moment your flip-flopped feet go up to the ankle in icy cold water, you'll know about the Heartbreak of Hookups.

Oh, and there is the small matter of pressure.  You can buy small pressure reducers in case the campground has high pressure.  In most situations, that pressure reducer is just another opportunity for a hose leak, becasue it screws onto the faucet where it can leak, and then a hose screws onto it, where the hose can leak.  But if you leave it off, then you can count on a water connection in the pop-up letting loose.  Then the Heartbreak of Hookups will strike inside your camper, and as you set out for that midnight run, your feet won't be wet and icy cold, but wet and HOT!

Finally, no matter what you've read about potable water, no campground has safe water.  You will get an additional dose of the Heartbreak of Hookups on Monday morning when you make the mad dash from the conference room to the commode room.

Sewer

This is the one nobody talks about.  It's very important that you be uphill from all other sewer sites.  Because if you don't, well, the Heartbreak of Hookups flows downhill, if you know what I mean.  Being on the top of a hill won't exempt you from trouble, though.  Many problems start when bored youngsters experiment with flushing towels and canned goods.  Don't have small children?  Take a look at that slinky hose.  You know why they call it a slinky hose?  Because it likes to slink back to three feet after you stretched it out to five and one half feet in order to reach the sewer hookup.  Of course, you will discover the problem when your spouse screams because she put her bare foot in...uh...the Heartbreak of Hookups, shall we say.

Phone

The only campgrounds to have phone hookups also have good cell coverage, and the calls on your cell phone will be cheaper.  Don't bother.  Of course, if the campground doesn't have phone hookups, then it won't have cell coverage either.

Remember, that phone hookup is on our old friend, The Post.  There are live wires inside The Post, right next to the phone wires.  All of them will be wet from the water leak.  If you do decide to connect the phone, don't use it unless you want the Heartbreak of Hookups.

Cable

The cable connection will be rusty, and will not work.  You can try adjusting it, but the frustrated spouse will keep saying "still just static".  If you keep at it long enough, you will hear cheers from the camper.  If this happens, don't move an inch!  If you so much as loosen your grip or shift your weight, the TV will go back to static and you will not get a signal back for the rest of the weekend.  The wee ones will miss Mucha Lucha, and will provide you with plenty of  the Heartbreak of Hookups.

Broadband

This is another place where even fools fear to tread.  If you have cables long enough, and if you can get a connection, you will discover you can only use it if you have an account with their ISP.  The price will be exhorbitant, but they will offer a 30 day free trial.  Don't do it.  First, after you give them your credit card info, the connection will go dead.  You will wait on hold for hours for tech support, only to find they don't work on weekends.  And three months after you return, you will still be trying to get them to stop charging your credit card $59.97 a month for a service you never used.

And just to top it off, you will discover that half the computer was fried when the water from the hose shorted the power plug to the broadband connector, and that the warranty won't cover it.

So the next time you go to plug in, hook up, screw on, connect, or log in at a campground, don't.  You will be glad you avoided the Heartbrek of Hookups.

Next time:  The Disasters of Dry Camping

Austin

[tlhdoc]

Geesh, first you have me saying great job, this is why we dry camp most of the time, then you add the ending "The Disasters of Dry Camping"  and now I am saying ut-oh.

Thanks for posting.

[Camping Coxes]

This is second in a series about camping with a pop-up that you won't read in any guide.

I don't know what you're doing to make a living, but this stuff could give Dave Barry a run for his money!  I'm looking forward to your next installment.

[gr8grandpa]

Good job Austin!!!! I allways enjoy reading your posts.

[B-flat]

Austin, I love your stuff here.  I have to add something to the Sewer part.  When camping in the sites with water and electric only, the late coming big rig is allowed to park in the last available site next to you.  In the next day or two you wonder if he has a leak when you see water running out from under the rig.  You take a look and he has extended his "slinky toy" underneath and then you realize where the odor is coming from.  However, like you said, you are not going to mess with Bubba and his 3 Pit Bulls.  You guessed it....you end up checking out a day early cause his site slopes right toward your site and wonderful "run off" is headed your way.

[wiininkwe]

Another wonderful piece, Austin, i always look forward to reading your works of art.   Thanks for giving them to us.
T

[vjm1639]

I almost snorted coffee out my nose.......LOL...Auston you're too funny!

[jawilson]

That was hysterical! Now, you've got me in the "can't wait until the next installment" mode.

[jstaddwtr]

Keep it coming!!!

[Campaholics]

Thanks for a great Christmas present!
Bob

[mattsmom]

Austin, it has been MONTHS since I've visisted PUT, but reading your post reminds me why I've enjoyed this forum so much!  What a great piece.

Thanks for the laughs.

Ruth Ann