17 YO DS is in BIG trouble...

[AustinBoston]

He: "Score points for me"
Me: "For what?"
He: "Alex [new GF] told me she dreampt of falling asleep in my arms."
Me: "Oh."

- later that day -

Me: "DS is in big trouble."
PJay: "What did he do?"
Me: "Nothing."
PJay: "So why is he in trouble?"
Me: "Alex told him she dreamed of falling asleep in his arms."
DS: "What? That's good!"
PJay: "Yes, it's good, but you are in so much trouble now."

Austin

[CajunCamper]

He: "Score points for me"
Me: "For what?"
He: "Alex [new GF] told me she dreampt of falling asleep in my arms."
Me: "Oh."

- later that day -

Me: "DS is in big trouble."
PJay: "What did he do?"
Me: "Nothing."
PJay: "So why is he in trouble?"
Me: "Alex told him she dreamed of falling asleep in his arms."
DS: "What? That's good!"
PJay: "Yes, it's good, but you are in so much trouble now."

Austin

Tell him to run. Run very far away.

[TheViking]

As a former 17 year old boy, you should be worrying more about the stuff he's done with "Alex" that he hasn't told you.

[AustinBoston]

As a former 17 year old boy, you should be worrying more about the stuff he's done with "Alex" that he hasn't told you.

After the first time I met her, within minutes of her leaving I had him in a chair.  "She is a very nice girl.  You do ANYTHING to hurt her, and her family won't find you alive when they get here, because I will kill you first."

I'd never spoken to him like that before.

Austin

[griffsmom]

Ummm, I'm not so sure Alex is as innocent as she may seem if she's the one telling your son that she dreamed of falling asleep in his arms. She's either playing games with his head or she's trying to give him some major hints. Either way, I wouldn't be too happy if she were saying that kind of stuff to my 17 y/o DS...

[wavery]

HMMMMMMM  :confused:

Now I have to ask myself.........what would I have done if some girl said that to me at 17?.......I don't think that I would have discussed it with my Dad  :p .

The mere fact that he said something to you should give you some confidence in him.

One thing's for sure.......you won't stop a 17-year-old from doing what they are going to do (your son or not). You just have to hope that you did your job along the way and he has developed the character to handle these pressures on his own.

I'd be very careful about discouraging him from sharing this sort of stuff with you. It's the only way that you may be able to offer some guidance. The fact is, at that age, guidance is the only positive thing that you have to offer. Anything negative may well generate mis-trust and lack of confidence in his relationship with you.

Griffsmon may be right. You might want to discuss how Alex may be trying to manipulate him. These are real important lessons in life and an opportunity to teach him how to respond when others use "Control tactics" and "Peer Pressure" on him.

[AustinBoston]

HMMMMMMM  :confused:

Now I have to ask myself.........what would I have done if some girl said that to me at 17?.......I don't think that I would have discussed it with my Dad  :p .

No comment necessary.  

The mere fact that he said something to you should give you some confidence in him.

We have a good, but sometimes strange, relationship with each other.  For example, we'll yell at each other, but never when we're upset.

One of the things I told my girls when they first started dating is "All guys are jerks.  Dating is to help you figure out what kind of jerk you can tolerate and how to figure out what kind of jerk this one is."

One of the things I said to DS when he started dating is "All girls manipulate.  It's a question of how they manipulate, whether or not you can tolerate this girl's methods of manipulation and finding out what those menthods are."  What I didn't tell him is that, well, they are always coming up with new methods... :eyecrazy:

One thing's for sure.......you won't stop a 17-year-old from doing what they are going to do (your son or not). You just have to hope that you did your job along the way and he has developed the character to handle these pressures on his own.

Yes, ultimately it comes down to this.  I have good reason to hope, however.  With his previous girlfriend, he came to PJay and I in tears one day.  She had revealed to him that she was not a virgin, and his reaction revealed to us how much he had taken to heart what we had taught him.  He felt compelled to break up with her over it.  I really didn't like this girl, (she was way too loud and forceful for him) and was sure they would break up eventually, but knew this was not the time.  Instead, we helped him learn a lesson about forgiveness and knowing that everyone has flaws.  I also didn't want to discourage her from continuing to be honest about her past, or to think that her past marked her for life.  They dated for about another six months before she broke up with him.  But in the end, you are right, he will make his own decisions, and all we can do is hope and pray that things stick.

I'd be very careful about discouraging him from sharing this sort of stuff with you. It's the only way that you may be able to offer some guidance. The fact is, at that age, guidance is the only positive thing that you have to offer. Anything negative may well generate mis-trust and lack of confidence in his relationship with you.

All three of our kids have dated people that I didn't think was the right person for them.  With my oldest daughter, I just said "I like Gordon, but I think you can do better.  I have no objection to you dating him now, but I think in the long run, you can do better."  I said it ONE TIME and dropped it.  I was more interested in giving her permission (in her own mind) to break up with him.  About a year later she did, and now she's married to a US Marine and a man who clearly loves both our daughter and granddaughter.

With DS, I said about the same thing, except I said "I don't think she's your type."  Again, I only said it once, and never did anything to discourage them dating, just introduce the idea that he can break it off when the time came.

The time I didn't say anything (with DD#2), she ended up with a badly broken heart.  I feel like it was partly my fault, but she was going to school at the time halfway across the country, so the "teachable moments" were few and far between.  She's married now to a guy I would have picked out of a thousand for her, someone she first met on-line.

Griffsmon may be right. You might want to discuss how Alex may be trying to manipulate him. These are real important lessons in life and an opportunity to teach him how to respond when others use "Control tactics" and "Peer Pressure" on him.

I don't know Alex very well, having met her only a couple times.  The things I do know conflict a bit with each other.  But my hope is in the fact that she is the only member of her family that regularly attends church, which is a big thing for a 16 YO girl to be doing.  But your statement still applies: "you won't stop a 17-year-old [or his girlfriend] from doing what they are going to do (your son or not)."

Austin

[GeneF]

Austin

Not trying to be a nasty guy, but I think my son would kill me if he saw this type of thread on the internet with people discussing a very personal thing about him, not to mention what his girlfriend would think.

If it was me, I would be sure that he didn't have access to this thread.

Having had two kids of my own and having taught high school for 30 years, I have learned that teens are very sensitive about their relationships and, at times, it is fine to discuss it with them if they are open to it.  Never force the issue.  NEVER discuss what they have shared in confidence with you with others.

[Hargus]

Austin

Not trying to be a nasty guy, but I think my son would kill me if he saw this type of thread on the internet with people discussing a very personal thing about him, not to mention what his girlfriend would think.

If it was me, I would be sure that he didn't have access to this thread.

Having had two kids of my own and having taught high school for 30 years, I have learned that teens are very sensitive about their relationships and, at times, it is fine to discuss it with them if they are open to it.  Never force the issue.  NEVER discuss what they have shared in confidence with you with others.

Gene, Your wisdom speaks volumes.

I didn't realize you where a high school teacher. I want to hear some good stories at the rally.

Mike

[AustinBoston]

Having had two kids of my own and having taught high school for 30 years, I have learned that teens are very sensitive about their relationships and, at times, it is fine to discuss it with them if they are open to it.  Never force the issue.  NEVER discuss what they have shared in confidence with you with others.

I have a pretty good handle on what is and is not confidential; there are things he has told me that I would not tell his mother.

But things have changed a lot in 30 years.  The concept of privacy that those of us over 40 have is virtually non-existent among today's teens.  Teens use things like MySpace and FacePlace to broadcast to the world the most intimate details of their lives.  To those they trust, they will say anything.  But as a school teacher, you are THE ENEMY to the vast majority of teens, no matter how they act towards you.  Your concept of confidentiality is shaped largely not by what teens expect, but by what the law requires.

My DW PJay is a youth pastor who has worked with teens since she herself was a teenager.  This is something that is so important to us that in 2003, we pulled up roots and moved to Minnesota for one reason and one reason only - for her to complete her Youth Ministry degree at Bethel University.  She now works with what are known as "at risk" teenagers.  She has her own Myspace and Faceplace accounts in order to create a channel of communications with them.  She and I spend a good deal of time apart just so she can spend time with those who need it.  She was gone all weekend, and I will not see her tonight until bedtime.  When was the last time you did that for a teenager?  For no pay?

I think I know what I am doing.

Austin

[GeneF]

Austin, my original post started out by saying that I was not trying to be nasty but I was questioning the wisdom of making such a post on a public forum.

There really wasn't any need for your comments in your last post.

If you are comfortable with what you are posting, have at it.

[griffsmom]

I have a pretty good handle on what is and is not confidential; there are things he has told me that I would not tell his mother.
 
But things have changed a lot in 30 years. The concept of privacy that those of us over 40 have is virtually non-existent among today's teens. Teens use things like MySpace and FacePlace to broadcast to the world the most intimate details of their lives. To those they trust, they will say anything. But as a school teacher, you are THE ENEMY to the vast majority of teens, no matter how they act towards you. Your concept of confidentiality is shaped largely not by what teens expect, but by what the law requires.
 
My DW PJay is a youth pastor who has worked with teens since she herself was a teenager. This is something that is so important to us that in 2003, we pulled up roots and moved to Minnesota for one reason and one reason only - for her to complete her Youth Ministry degree at Bethel University. She now works with what are known as "at risk" teenagers. She has her own Myspace and Faceplace accounts in order to create a channel of communications with them. She and I spend a good deal of time apart just so she can spend time with those who need it. She was gone all weekend, and I will not see her tonight until bedtime. When was the last time you did that for a teenager? For no pay?
 
I think I know what I am doing.
 
Austin

Yikes, AB! I don't think GeneF meant his post the way you seem to have interpreted it. Your tone does come across as unnecessarily harsh. GeneF is a long-time PUT-er, like you and me, and I think we both know he's not a stirrer-upper.
 
I'm not sure what you were hoping to achieve with your original post, but if you don't want people to respond with what were meant as constructive and well-intentioned comments, maybe you shouldn't make the post in the first place.

[CajunCamper]

I have a pretty good handle on what is and is not confidential; there are things he has told me that I would not tell his mother.

But things have changed a lot in 30 years.  The concept of privacy that those of us over 40 have is virtually non-existent among today's teens.  Teens use things like MySpace and FacePlace to broadcast to the world the most intimate details of their lives.  To those they trust, they will say anything.  But as a school teacher, you are THE ENEMY to the vast majority of teens, no matter how they act towards you.  Your concept of confidentiality is shaped largely not by what teens expect, but by what the law requires.

My DW PJay is a youth pastor who has worked with teens since she herself was a teenager.  This is something that is so important to us that in 2003, we pulled up roots and moved to Minnesota for one reason and one reason only - for her to complete her Youth Ministry degree at Bethel University.  She now works with what are known as "at risk" teenagers.  She has her own Myspace and Faceplace accounts in order to create a channel of communications with them.  She and I spend a good deal of time apart just so she can spend time with those who need it.  She was gone all weekend, and I will not see her tonight until bedtime.  When was the last time you did that for a teenager?  For no pay?

I think I know what I am doing.

Austin

Austin, that seemed a little overboard don't ya think? I know you pride yourself on knowing it all but damn.

[griffsdad]

I heard that stuff all the time from the ladies back in the day.

[AustinBoston]

Folks, think for a minute.

If someone accused you of being an incompetent parent, wouldn't it raise your cackles?  That is EXACTLY what GeneF's post is, no matter if he put "I'm not trying to be nasty" in front of it.

Austin