RE: The Man Code

[Tim5055]

 The Man Code:
 
 1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat.
 
 2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.
 
 3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
 
 4. When you are queried by a buddy s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
 
 5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
 
 6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call Bull***. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
 
 7. If you ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
 
 8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
 
 9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy s refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
 
 10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
 
 11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
 
 12. Before dating a buddy s " ex" , you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
 
 13. Women who claim they " love to watch sports"  must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
 
 14. If a man s zipper is down, that s his problem. * You didn t see nothin .
 
 15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
 
 16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend s cat.
 
 17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who s playing.
 
 18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you ll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
 
 19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you re sunning on a tropical beach... and a topless supermodel delivers it...and it s free.
 
 20. Unless you re in prison, never fight naked.
 
 21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
 
 22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, " What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin" , then you may sit back and enjoy.
 
 23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: " Yeah, baby, push it!"  " C mon, give me one more! Harder!"  " Another set and we can hit the showers."  
 
 24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That s just plain mean.
 
 25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.
 
 26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she s withholding sex pending your response.
 
 27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you re on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need. In a public restroom...If empty choose the urinal furthest from the door. The next guy should in turn choose the one closest to the door. The third guy should choose any urinal that leaves at least a urinals amount of space between you and the other guy. If this is not possible the third guy should use a stall. If all stalls are taken and/or there is a line inside the restroom, any urinal is up for grabs. Finally, there should never be a line outside the men s restroom. If you see one starting to form, come back later.
 
 28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.
 

[tlhdoc]

 tim5055
I am glad I am not a man.[]

[Cadeuses]

 tlhdoc
I post this once more for those who may have possibly missed it the first time... and also to support Tim s post!
 
 Aarrgh! Aarrgh! Aarrgh!
 
 The Rules -- This  Time By Men
 
 We always hear " the rules"  from the female side. Now here  are the
 rules from the male side. These are our rules!
 Please note:  .. these are all numbered " 1"  ON PURPOSE!
 
 
 1.) Learn to work the toilet  seat. You re a big girl. If it s up,
 put it down. We need it up, you need  it down. You don t hear us
 bitching about you leaving it down.
 1.) Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see
 if we can  find the perfect present yet again!
 1.) Sometimes we are not thinking  about you. Live with it.
 1.) Sunday = sports. It s like the full moon  or the changing of
 the tides. Let it be.
 1.) Don t cut your hair.  Ever. Long hair is always more attractive
 than short hair. One of the big  reasons guys fear getting married
 is that married women always cut their  hair, and by then you re stuck
 with her.
 1.) Shopping is NOT a sport.  And no, we are never going to think
 of it that way.
 1.) Crying is  blackmail.
 1.) Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:  Subtle
 hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not  work!
 Just say it!
 1.) We don t remember dates. Mark birthdays and  anniversaries on a
 calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
 1.)  Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you
 think we d be  any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look
 good with your  dress?
 1.) Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
 question.
 1.) Come to us with a problem only if you want help  solving it.
 That s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
 1.) A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
 1.) Check your oil! Please.
 1.) Anything we said 6 months ago is  inadmissible in an argument.
 In fact, all comments become null and void  after 7 days.
 1.) If you won t dress like the Victoria s Secret girls,  don t
 expect us to act like soap opera guys.
 1.) If you think  you re fat, you probably are. Don t ask us. We
 refuse to answer.
 1.) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
 the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
 1.) You can  either ask us to do something or tell us how you want
 it done. Not both.  If you already know best how to do it, just do it
 yourself.
 1.) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
 commercials.
 1.) Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do
 we.
 1.) The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
 months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your
 girlfriends.
 1.) ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows  default settings.
 Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is  also a
 fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
 1.) If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
 1.) We are not mind readers and we never  will be. Our lack of
 mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we  care about
 you.
 1.) If we ask what is wrong and you say " nothing,"  we  will act
 like nothing s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not  worth
 the hassle.
 1.) If you ask a question you don t want an  answer to, expect an
 answer you don t want to hear.
 1.) When we  have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
 fine. Really.
 1.) Don t ask us what we re thinking about unless you are prepared
 to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or
 monster trucks.
 1.) You have enough clothes.
 1.) You have too many  shoes.
 1.) Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it s  Bruce
 Lee or some war flick where it doesn t really matter what they re  
 saying anyway.)
 1.) It is neither in your best interest or ours to  take the quiz
 together. No, it doesn t matter which quiz.
 1.)  Peanuts are as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
 1.) I m in  shape. ROUND is a shape.
 1.) Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I  have to sleep on
 the couch tonight, but did you know we really don t mind  that, it s
 like camping.

[fivegonefishing]

 tim5055
And just a thought for all you women out there:
 
 MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause.
 
 Ever notice how all of women s problems start with men?
 And when we have real problems, it s HISterectomy!
 
    P.S.   Don t forget the  " GUY" necologist!
 
 OK, sorry, but I felt I had to add to the foray. There was a whole section on the mamagram but thought it better just to stay with the man thread.
 
 Tammy
 
 

[Starcraft Dad]

 tim5055
Just printed these all up and gave it to my 17 yo DS.  He s got some studying to do.  Tomorrow there WILL be a test.[]

[Trlrboy]

 tim5055
One little thing that men need to keep repeating to their women:
 
 Women should never cut their hair shorter than the length it takes to reach their shoulders.  Conversely, mullet headed men should never be associated with at all.

[Gamecock Camper]

 tim5055
Amen to all the above.

[Acts 2:38 girl]

 tim5055
Hmmm... no wonder my husband preferes the UPC Church!!  
 -most of the ladies there have long, uncut hair!! []
 
 Somebody e-mailed us the 2nd set of " mens rules"  and I returned it with the following reply:
 
 Dear Sender:
 Mail of this sort will not be tolerated from the over-tired, nauseous, hormone-crazed pregnant lady that also resides in this house!  Please use extreme caution in future, as the male party of the house enjoys the levels of peace that non-confrontation brings!
 
 No response yet!! []

[MOcamper]

 tim5055
MAN it is hard work being a man,all these rules[8D]

[jackgoesthepopup]

 tim5055
What are you trying to do get us all shot. You can t go around telling wemon our secrets.

[rednekrubbrduck]

 tim5055
Love the rules.  Problem is it seems like they are only enforcable when there s no woman in the house.  " I m the king of my castle when ever she s not around"

[Campinfools]

 tim5055
I m guessing Tim and Cadeuses are single.

[Tim5055]

 Campinfools

 

ORIGINAL:  Campinfools
 
 I m guessing Tim and Cadeuses are single.
 

 Sorry, that guess would be wrong[]
 
 Many folks here have met my DW[]

[ThunderRock]

 tim5055
B.B.B.B.B.B.

BAD TO THE BONE!![/size]