Hubby got fired!!

[topcat7736]

DiW,

New Jersey has a program called "New Jersey Cares". As far as I know, it covers whatever your insurance or unemployment doesn't and insures that you are able to continue living (not freezing or starving to death). The "state" agency for social services is where you can find out about it and other programs for which you might qualify. (Peggy's cousin worked at the state office in Elizabeth several years ago).

[campingboaters]

I'm surprised no one here (including me) mentioned a lawyer before Austin, but I'm with him on this one and I NEVER think about sueing anyone.  I'd speak to a lawyer to see what your rights are.  You might be able to contact the bar association in your state and ask them questions about your situation.  I know we did that here in PA when we had some issues with my father and an illness.  They put me in touch with a lawyer who answered all my questions.  It was VERY comforting to know where we stood.  In our case, we ended up not needing a lawyer, but the bar association should be able to help you with a non-profit group of lawyers -- if such a thing really exists...

Good luck and keep us informed.

[NightOwl]

consulting an attorney is the best idea, but also can be expensive, so ideas for seeking help from someone doing pro bono or " public aid" work is the way to go IF you can find someone.  In some places, there is "The Legal aid society" and it is a great idea.  BUT--I called the one in Atlanta a few yeards ago on behalf of our cleaning woman who had a problem and no money for attorney fees and Legal Aid said they only cover people who make less than 20K per year.  Our cleaner and her husbamd both worked fulltime, but very low-paying, jobs, but with three kids to raise, they were among the "working poor" and couldnt even afford health insurance.

[abbear]

I believe in most states you can contact the local bar association and they will set you up with a free or low cost consultation with an attorney specializing in your area of need.  That way you can at least sort out some options.  Too bad you're not in California - Costco is union here and this is exactly the kind of situations they were created for.

Best of luck.

[MPTDAT]

We applied for MIchild. It is medical and prescription coverage for the kids. It was accepted and approved. We just have to wait for the paperwork. I guess things are looking up a little bit. It is a shame it is gonna take 3-4 weeks for DH's 401K to be given to us. The mortgage will be late next month!! The worst part is the fact that DH and I aren't getting along at all. He is about ready to move in with his mother for a while. Two steps ahead, one back.

[NightOwl]

The worst part is the fact that DH and I aren't getting along at all. He is about ready to move in with his mother for a while. Two steps ahead, one back.

MPTDAT, while  all of this is going on, I hope you and DH can keep in mind that many studies have shown that  when  the husband is out of work, it creates terrible stresses on a marriage and also makes a man  feel like he is a dismal failure (whether he admits it openly or not)  And given the difficulties of your situation, it might not be such a bad idea for you both to have a little "rest" from each other.  Some time away from each other  may give you both a new perspective and help  some healing to take place  as well as preventing new "wounds" in your relationship.   (That is, if family members can keep from taking sides.)  I wish you both the best as you struggle to find the way to deal with these problems and  maintain a sense  of  security for your little ones.

[wiininkwe]

I'm so sorry to hear how this 'episode' is affecting your lives.   As Nightowl stated, maybe a brief vacation from each other may help, but even while apart, don't neglect the simple acts of supporting one another emotionally, and reminding your families that you won't take sides against one another.   This has been a horrible example of what happens when things are not made crystal clear within your chain of command in the workplace, may have simply been a way for your employer to cut back on employees without admitting that things aren't going well for the company.  Whatever the final analysis, keep your honor and self respect and you will do well.
T

[B-flat]

I feel for you two.  It's difficult enough to have this problem of not getting along because of the job problem.  Please try to keep the communication open between the two of you......allow time to cool off and don't let this all fester up like a big boil on your skin.

[maromeo]

MPTDAT,
I am sorry to hear what you are going through. We were in your boat in 2001, DH decided to go back to school and get a second degree in IT,(company paid if his grades are above a 3.0) I supported him even though his employer said they did but in reality they did everything they could to get him to fail. They put him on 1 day shift, then 1 night shift so he would only have 6 hours between the 2 and he had a 45 min drive to and from work. At that time our daughter was only 2 and I was not working. Well, we survived that year of studies and me picking up the pieces for the family (I forgot to mention we are taking care of his mother in our home). We had no time for get away weekends so we were committed to stay home. In May of 2001, the economy was not doing well in the semi conductor industry where he was so he felt he had made the right decision to go into IT, well after the dot.com showdown there were really no jobs for him to even check out so he stayed where he was. Well, June 23rd he graduated with a 4.0, he took his grades to his boss and he was shocked, no congrats or anything. He took the grades turned them in to the company. The next day DH went to work feeling good and was handed his walking papers. The company was downsizing......
We did stay on COBRA insurance for 6 months but it got to be too much it was $975 for just the 3 of us. We kept it because I had a pre-existing condition and I didn't think we could get coverage. Well, after 6 month of unemployment we changed just to a major medical insurance which dropped our rates to around $370. During his job searching time 911 hit so no one, I mean no one was hiring or even looking to hire. It was an awful time to be out of work. We had about a 6 inch stack of rejection letters from companies. We laugh now but he even got rejected for the Deaf and Blind School. When he got that one he felt he hit rock bottom.
I made an agreement with him if after 6 months if he hasn't found anything I would go back to work. That is what I did. I found a job close by home and DH took care of DD while I was at work. I had to overlook things when I came home tired from work. He didn't do things the way I did so I had to close my eyes to a lot of things. I tried to stay as positive as I could but it is hard with no light at the end of the tunnel.
One thing I did do, it was summer here in Phoenix, I mean hotter than haddes. So I made us a lunch every Friday and DH, DD and I would go to the park or lake and go boating or just hang out along the water for several hours just to get away from the world for a few hours. I felt that made us closer and we got away from the pressures for a little while and enjoyed our daughter together. It is hard work to be the spouse of an unemployed husband but try to be supportive as best you can. They feel they have failed their family and they don't know how to express it. Sometimes it comes out in anger and frustration.
DH has found a good job after 10 months of searching, and has been there almost 2 years. He is working for the local power company so hopefully his job security is a little better than the other one. We are still trying to replenish our saving but it hard to play catch up. We are not there yet. It all takes time. Take care. Keep your chin up.
Mary Romeo

[MPTDAT]

Well, he is definately moving in with his mother. It all came to a head last night when I came home from a Cub Scout parent meeting. See, we are both involved in our kids Cub Scout pack. He is the committee chairperson and I am the Den Leader for the Bears, secretary and assistant Cubmaster. His best friend is the cubmaster and my best friend is another den leader. This meeting is for our Blue and Gold banquet and since I planned it last year and got all the donations for the raffle, he told me to go and he would stay home with the kids. The meeting was set for 6:30, and lasted until about 7:30. We, me and our two friends, then stayed around for a few drinks and I ended up getting home around 10:30. His friend, who is very talkative, was trying to talk to me about DH and for me to see his side of it, then said DH is extremely jealous of a good friend of mine who happens to be a man, single and good looking. He started implying things I thought were inappropriate about what DH thinks me and this other friend are supposedly doing. When I got home, I asked DH about it and a terrible argument ensued. He implyed that I wasn't with our friends, but with the friend he is jealous over. He even called his friend while I was sitting there to find out what was going on and how the meeting went. So he knows I was at the meeting. He mentioned his jealousy a while ago about my friend and I went out of my way not to associate with him around DH. In fact my friend got mad for ignoring him. We really need to be away from each other for a while.

[NightOwl]

"We really need to be away from each other for a while."

MPTDAT, it sounds as though this is a wise decision for the moment.  Also if your male friend is employed, it might make your husband feel even  less worthy of you and increase his "imaginings."  He is obviously feeling very unsure of himself right now, but if this is  something that continues, it sure doesnt bode well for your  future together.  So long as you know you are above reproach, you dont have to take any kind of abuse  from him or anyone, including his friend.
 
Usually, spouses who are jealous over  an innocent friendship with a member of the opposite sex can benefit from some professional counseling.  Complete trust in each other seems to me  an absolute requirement of a strong marriage

I wonder, though, if part of his jealousy stems from the fact that you were out until 10:30 having a good time with friends while he was at home, "babysitting" and may have felt  "neglected" because you were having a good time and he was not?   Also, sometimes men who have led lives which dont include male-female friendships as normal  dont even realize that  these things exist  and  can be totally free of any "immoral"  implications.   (And it is a matter of generational (age-related) differences in some cases.  My FIL and MIL would have been horrified at the thought that I had dinner in a restaurant with another man  when my husband was not present.)

(BTW, neither my DH nor I believe  in what  has been erroneously called "open marriage" [YUCK!]   but in our professional lives, we both  had quite a few good friends of the opposite sex we always felt free to socialize with--dinner with them now and then or driving alone to meetings with them on occasion.  In each case, these were perfectly innocent relationships and neither of us ever experienced any jealousy over them since we both felt that good friends of either sex enrich our lives.  And in our case jealousy over such friendships would have ruined our marriage very quickly. )

[B-flat]

At least you had witnesses to your whereabouts till 10:30.  Your situation is extremely complex right now.  I would urge you to make a last ditch attempt to work out your differences if that is possible.  Don't wait till he has moved out to start protecting yourself and the children.  Get legal advice right now.  It sounds to me like there is something much deeper going on here than just a job loss and it sounds like there has been a buildup of anger over a long period of time.  Although I don't know your situation in further detail, if he moves out he may not be coming back to you.   If both agree to a timeout, then it might be good to put a time frame on it and to arrange for the children's visits and so forth.  Try to stay positive and don't pick any fights.  Trying to convince a man against his will just makes you the enemy.

[brainpause]

I don't claim to be a marriage counselor, but I want to stress Nightowl's first paragraph a little bit.

Maybe your DH IS feeling a little inadequate, which leads to stress. Men have an innate sense of needing to be the provider. That's why some men don't like it when the woman makes more money.

As you know, we are one income family now while Holly is in school. We are scraping by, but she has told me to ask her dad for money if we need it. I'm doing EVERYTHING I can to keep from doing that. Just because I feel like I need to provide for her. Just something that's "built-in," I guess.

It does sound like multiple problems are happening, but just be acutely aware that he may be feeling inadequate right now because of job loss.

Larry

[MPTDAT]

The worst part of this whole thing is the fact that he is now on a "couples help" message board. I know your thinking, your on a message board too, but you all are like family to me. This is upsetting to me because he is not explaining the whole situation to them. He doesn't know these people. These people now think I am having an affair, so they are telling him not to move out because it is just going to go on in front of my children if he leaves. I am not having an affair. I don't know, I am just lost and confused now.

[birol]

MPTDAT,

I am so sorry hearing all the troubles you are going trough.

Why don't you go into the same message board and start posting yourself as well. Seeing the both sides of the coin might prompt some of the posters of that board to give your husband really good advise. Just a radical thought ......


Birol

The worst part of this whole thing is the fact that he is now on a "couples help" message board. I know your thinking, your on a message board too, but you all are like family to me. This is upsetting to me because he is not explaining the whole situation to them. He doesn't know these people. He is saying that I am "flirting" at the bar and other things about my male friend. These people now think I am having an affair, so they are telling him not to move out because it is just going to go on in front of my children if he leaves. He is not explaining that me and my friend talk about his 2 year old son and my two boys all the time, or the fact that when my DH doesn't go to the bar with us, his two best friends are still there, or that my cousin works there and she loves him and would tell him in a heartbeat if I were to do anything wrong. This is a tiny, hole in the wall bar where everyone knows each other. In fact I think half of them are related to me!! We go there on Saturday nights for the karaoke, which is what my cousin does. I enjoy listening to the music and every once in while get up there myself and sing. He was the one that made me go to the bar to begin with. Our kids therapist told me that I shouldn't feel guilty because I need a break from the kids once a week. The therapist told me to go and enjoy myself. I go with DH or my best friend, who happens to be his best friends girlfriend. According to him, if I go with my friend and he doesn't, or if he goes somewhere else with his friends, I am seeing someone. Yet he still says he trusts me. Two years ago, I wouldn't leave the house, but since I lost 70 lbs., I feel more confident about going in public. I don't know, I am just lost and confused now.