A Joke Thread

[zamboni]

Wrong e-mail address...

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.  They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.  So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.  The husband checked into the hotel.  There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.  However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error,    sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.  He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.  After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

 

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me.  They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!  Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

['tiredTeacher]

A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Gimme a beer ... and a mop."

[wavery]

IS IT FRIDAY YET!!!!

[wavery]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop!

2. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat
by using the shower.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and
bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.  Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent
you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the
snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then
you will be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If
it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.


**Thought For The Day:**

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES.
THEY'RE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT. . .
THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[wavery]

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
 
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
 
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
 
4. 99.99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
 
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average...half!  :yikes:
 
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
 
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
 
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
 
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
 
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
 
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
 
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis?  Raise my hand.
 
14. OK, Einstein so what's the speed of dark?
 
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
 
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
 
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
 
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, two times?
 
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
 
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
 
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
 
23. Light travels faster than sound.. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

[spicyville1]

Brilliance!  

      A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa,taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy,that was one delicious leopard!  I wonder if there are anymore around here?' Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack inmid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'  Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with theleopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear,the old poodle says. 'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!        

 Moral of this story....Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullsh@$t and brilliance only come with age and experience.

        I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged.

[McCampers]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None, she should have it open when she brings it to you.


That is my only joke and I remember it because it hit so close to home to how my pops is in real life.

[ScouterMom]

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.  We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,  
 
' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
 

 
 
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'


We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
 
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'
 

 
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ........You could learn a lot from him.'


We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,
 
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
 

 
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day   ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'
 
 




 


 
My condition has been upgraded from critical
 to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.......