A Joke Thread

[Russinator]

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
 
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
 
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
 
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.
 
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
 
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.  "Is it wine?" she guessed.
 
"No," the boy replied.  She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?.
 
"No," said the little boy.. "It's a puppy".

[Russinator]

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

[Russinator]

Zero Tolerance Speed Camera

[J.T.BOND]

ATT537625...dat (0.0 KB), Call_to_N...mpg (454.3 KB)
 sure hope this comes through, got a good laugh out ot it.lol

[Russinator]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.  When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.  After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[Russinator]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 2 minutes before a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" demanded the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer.

"WHERE'S MY ROLEX???

[Russinator]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand a nd say s, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . . .




(scroll down)

















"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[Russinator]

Dear Abby
     My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless


 

Dear Clueless:
     Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman! You don't need him anymore! You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one...

 

- Ab

[TheViking]

TWO HUNTERS
 
Two guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along, they come upon a
 huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
 The first hunter says, " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I
 wonder how deep it is?"
 
The second hunter says, "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen
 and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
 
The first hunter says, "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand
 and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and
 count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there
 listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush
 behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through
 the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.
 
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole,
 and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around
 here anywhere, did you?"
 
The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here
 a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert
 miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
 
And the old farmer said, "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to an old
 transmission

[Recumbentman]

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a b****.

[wavery]

STRENGTH TRAINING PROGRAM FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
 
 
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.


After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (this is the level that I'm at now.)
 
 
 
 
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks

[Russinator]

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona .' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one..

The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it.

The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.' The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?'

The Molson Canadian president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.'

[Russinator]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

[Russinator]

WHY AM I MARRIED?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______
 
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

__________
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
__________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
__________

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
 __________
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
__________

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

[TheViking]

Not for Chevy Fans
 
Q. How do you make a Chevy accelerate 0-60 mph in less than 15 seconds?
A. Push it off a cliff.

Q. What is found on the last two pages of every Chevy's owners manual?
A. The bus schedule.

Q. What did the auto parts counterman say when the customer said, "I'll take a set of wiper blades for my Chevy"?
A. Sounds like a fair trade.

Q. What do you call a Chevy at the top of a hill?
A. A miracle!

Q. What do you call two Chevy's at the top of a hill?
A. A mirage.

Q. How do you double the value of a Chevy?
A. Fill up the gas tank.

Q. What do you call a Chevy with brakes?
A. Customized.

Q. How do you make a Chevy go faster down hill?
A. Turn the engine off.

Q. Why don't Chevy's sustain much damage in front end collisions?
A. The tow truck takes most of the impact.  (My Favorite)

Q. What do you call Chevy passengers?
A. Shock absorbers.

Q. How do you improve the appearance of a Chevy?
A. Park it between two Fords