A Joke Thread

[Russinator]

"Sky Diving for the Elderly" 



The 85-year-old woman decided to take up sky diving. After she attended instruction classes, the day came for her first jump. Strapping on a parachute, she stood awaiting her turn to leap out of the plane. But when she looked at the ground below, she lost her nerve. Finally, she reached into her pocket, pulled out a small transmitter and radioed her instructor on the ground: 

"Help! I've gotten up, and I can't fall down!"*

[Russinator]

Just Checking !!!

Today State police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby.

They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy ***** Wrinkly *** and a Small ****.

I was just checking to make sure that all the guys in my Email group are okay.

Russ

[brainpause]

Just Checking !!!

Today State police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby.

They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy****, Wrinkly *** and a Small ****.

I was just checking to make sure that all the guys in my Email group are okay.

Russ

Whoa, there!!!

Keep it family oriented!

Larry

[Russinator]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2007

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.


Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


Number 8
Men have two emotions:

Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an *******, make him a sandwich.


Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.


Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.


Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.


Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.* It pays no attention to Criticism.


Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?


Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought For 2007 :

We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.* Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.

[Russinator]

IDIOT SIGHTING :
             My husband and I had to have the garage door repaired.
            The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was
           that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener.
        I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears
                      Made at that time,  a 1/2 horsepower.

         He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower."
        I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not.
           Four is Larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since
      _____________________________________________________________________

                                 IDIOT SIGHTING:
                I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new
      Neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the

      Removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many
        Deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good
                                      place
              For them to be crossing anymore."  From Kingman , KS
             ______________________________________________________

                            IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE :
                      My daughter went to a local Taco Bell
                               And ordered a taco.
         She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
                 He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
                                 He was a Chef?
                            Yep...From Kansas City !
             ______________________________________________________

                                 IDIOT SIGHTING:
              I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
        Airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage
                                     without
           Your knowledge?"  To which I replied, "If it was without my
                                 knowledge, how
      Would I know?"  He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
                         Happened in Birmingham , Ala
             ______________________________________________________

                                 IDIOT SIGHTING:
              The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to
       Cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged
                                    coworker
        Of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained
                                     that it
      Signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,
                                      "What
                   On earth are blind people doing driving?!"
                   She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
             _______________________________________________________
                                 IDIOT SIGHTING:
              At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker:
                She was leaving the company due to "downsizing."
                        Our manager commented cheerfully,
                   "This is fun. We should do this more often."
                          Not another word was spoken.
                   We all just looked at each other with that
                         deer- in-the-headlights Stare.
                     This was a bunch at Texas Instruments
            ________________________________________________________
                                IDIOT SIGHTING :
         I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into
                                     itself,
          and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her
                            System would not turn on.

                A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office,
                                    No less.
            ________________________________________________________
                                IDIOT SIGHTING :
             When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealer-
      Ship to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
              We went to the service department and found a mechanic
              working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
                      As I watched from the passenger side,
         I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was
                                    unlocked.
          "Hey," I announced to the technician, "Its open!"   His reply,
                       "I know - I already got that side."
            This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi !
      ______________________________________________________________________


                                   STAY ALERT!
                          They walk among us, and they
                                    REPRODUCE
                                  AND THEY VOTE

[Russinator]

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked,

"If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"

The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

[Russinator]

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight.

"Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.



"No, Father. Just a little gas," Sister Susan explained.



A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.

"Gaining some more weight are we Sister Susan?" he asked again.



"Oh no, Father. Just a little gas," she replied again.



A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent. He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said,... "Cute little fart."


[Russinator]

[TheViking]

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....

Scared the heck out of me.

So that's it!

After today, no more reading.

[Russinator]

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.



The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.



"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.



A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!

[Russinator]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q:   "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A:  "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender,
      running several blocks away."

Q:  "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A:  "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q:  "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.
      Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A:   "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q:  "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer.
      Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A:  "Yes sir, we do!"

Q:   "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A:     "Yes sir, I do."

Q:    "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A:     "Yes sir."

Q:    "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life,
         you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share
          with these same officers?"

A:  "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex,
     and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

[Russinator]

I am writing in response to your request for additional information.

In block #8 of the accident form, I put 'trying to do the job alone' as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.



I am a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was fortunately attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of brick.


You will note in block #11 of the accident report that I weigh 170 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured scull and the broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel then weighed approximately
50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block #11.



As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs and lower body area. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.



I am sorry to report however, that as I lay there on the bricks, in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. The empty barrel weighted more than the rope, so it came back down on me and broke both my legs.



I hope I have furnished the information you requested

[Russinator]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home 


and were giving each other the silent treatment. 


Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife 


to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. 


Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. 


The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it

was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he

noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."


Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. 


[Russinator]

Did you know that the Scots were credited with saving the lives of WWII aviators returning from bombing raids to English air bases? 



After dropping their bombs, the pilots would fly low back over the channel. But the dense fog made it difficult to know if they were over friendly territory, in case they had to bail out. 



As they flew very low, they would look down at the houses, and when they saw the toilet paper, hanging out to dry... they knew they were back in "home" territory.

[Russinator]

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my dogs, Butch and Taji, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!!