A Joke Thread

[Russinator]

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's' dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.

Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this."

He goes downstairs and comes back 3 minutes later and comes back up to bed.

His wife says, "What have you been doing?" The dog is still barking.

Paddy says "Yes, I've put the dog in our yard . Let's see how THEY like it!"

[Russinator]

The definition of OLD

First you tell your friends that you are having an affair...............
 
Then your friend asks you...............................
 
'Are you having it catered???'

THAT, my friend, is the definition of OLD!!!!!!!!!

[Russinator]

I thought that this one was worth repeating for the ladies on this list. :-)



It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try to show some understanding.

My name is Wayne, and let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Beverly. 

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Bev to get a full time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. 



Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the country club, so eating out again at night is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooking when I hit that door. 



She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that the dishes won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. 



Another symptom of aging is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).

I like to think that this is one of my strong points. 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. 



I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Bev, and I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older, but, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this letter, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other. 



Signed, Wayne 



EDITOR'S NOTE: 

Wayne died tragically on March 1st of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and with a sledge hammer lying nearby. 

His wife Beverly was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her, Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Wayne somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club lengthwise

[Russinator]

Why parents drink
 
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see
that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he
saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was
addressed to "Dad."
 
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter.
 
Dear Dad:
 
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I
had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene
with Mom and you.. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she
is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older
than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
 
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in
the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share
a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the
fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the
other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
 
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure
for AIDS so Stacy can get better.
 
She deserves it... Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to
take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit
so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
 
Love,
 
Your Son John
 
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
 
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than a report card... That's in my center desk drawer.
 
I love you.
 
P.S. Call me when it's safe to come home.
Email and AIM finally together. You've gotta check out free AOL Mail!

[Russinator]

For all of us who are married, were married, wish they were
married, or wish they weren't married, this is something to smile
about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side
of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked
the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small
talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently,
looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little
detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine.
I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
"Good trade....."

[wavery]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working  together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.   'I will give each on you one wish, which is three wishes in total',  says the Genie.  
 
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm.  I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada.'  POOF!  With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.  
 
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our our precious land.'  POOF!  Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.  
 
The Texan says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'  The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 500 feet high, 5o feet thick and completely surrounds the country.  Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'  

The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, 'Fill it with water.'

[ScouterMom]

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for
the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom
decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from
the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven,
removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the
turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the
oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of
the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon
hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to
cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!


Happy Turkey Day everyone!  :U

Laura

[Russinator]

This is funny!!

Turn on your speakers and enjoy - Russ

http://weblogs.newsday.com/news/opinion/walthandelsman/blog/2007/11/animation_baby_boomers.html

[ScouterMom]

it WOULD be funny, if it weren't so true......

 :yikes:

[xjcrawler]

Russinator, your falling down on the job here?

[Russinator]

You are right, I've been busy.

I switched from a PC to an iMac and my time has been used up getting the iMac up to speed. Or should I say, getting me up to speed?

Anyway, I'll try to do a better job.
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My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.
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Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
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For Sale : Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.
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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.
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Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.

[Russinator]

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times."
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same.
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I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?

[Russinator]

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
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The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

[Russinator]

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't. As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there isfreedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefullycontrolled trials, scientists have demonstratedthat if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (ortequila, rum, whiskey, etc.) because alcohol has to gothrough a purification process of boiling, filter ing and/or fermenting, and besides, alcohol kills E.coli.


Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

[Russinator]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"