A Joke Thread

[Russinator]

You Gotta Love Drunk People

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the
morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.

Who was that?" asked his wife.

Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
Did you help him? She asks

No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is
pouring out there!"  

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband

"Over here on the swing!", replies the drunk.

[Russinator]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man,
standing alone.

She approached him. 'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?' 'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like Most -- cars and men.' 'What's your
name?' she asked.

He said, 'Bob Titsenbeer'

[Russinator]

A little boy comes down to breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you are not getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

[Russinator]

Don is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25
years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he
tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad....
once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes, and makes him a cuppa.

As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and
give it one more try". "That's no good" sighs Don. "Your brother's a
hundred and three. He can't help".

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, " but his eyesight is
perfect".

So the next day Don heads off to the golf course with his
brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!"

"Where did it go?" says Don.

"I can't remember"

[wavery]

http://by139w.bay139.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http%3a%2f%2f64.4.43.121%2fatt%

[wavery]

[Russinator]

A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that
we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
out looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of
one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in
four weeks."

A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that
we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and
have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are
way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, send her
to Washington where she will become President, and then half the
country will be out looking for work."

[Russinator]

After Mr. & Mrs. Tatge retired, Mrs. Tatge insisted her husband  accompany
her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, Mr. Tatge was like most men--he found shopping boring &  
preferred to get in & get out.

Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Tatge was like most women--she loved to browse.
One day Mrs.Tatge received the following letter from her  local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Tatge,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a Commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of
you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Tatge are listed below and
are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts
when they weren't looking.


2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.


3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's
restroom.


4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it    Right away'.


5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's  on
layaway.


6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department & told other
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department.


8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'


9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera & used it as a mirror
while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the
clerk where the antidepressants were.


11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the ' Mission Impossible' theme.


12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonnalook' by
using different sizes of funnels.


13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'


14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he  
assumed a fetal position  and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least ...


15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly,

'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here'.

Regards, Wal-Mart

[Russinator]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman Jones, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[zamboni]

After Mr. & Mrs. Tatge retired, Mrs. Tatge insisted her husband  accompany
her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

I'm sorry, but anyone who must visit Wally-World 8 times in "about" 3 monthis must be very, very, messed up.  I feel VERRRRRRRY sorry for her husband; I could see myself creating the same past-times that he did

I have to hand it to her; her husband did not kill anyone.  I know I would have...

[Russinator]

Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy:

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

[Russinator]

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....

Scared the crap out of me.

So that's it!

After today, no more friggin reading.

[Russinator]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

 "Mrs. Sanders, please."

 "Speaking."

  "Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived  as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's.  Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

  "What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

  "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS.  We can't tell which is your husband's."

  "That's dreadful!  Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

  "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

  "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

  "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off  somewhere in the middle of town.  If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[Russinator]

Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and


after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:


"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time



I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.



I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless



I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.



I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing



when I want with my old buddies, and don't you



give me a hard time about it.



Those are my rules. Any comments?"



His new bride said:



"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex


here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************************

Marriage (Part II)



Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!



The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone



that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"



"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone


that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)


*****************************************

Marriage (Part III)



Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.



Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no



good in bed either," and storms out of the house.



After some time he realizes he was nasty and



decides to make amends and rings her up.



She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband


says, "What took you so long to answer to the phone?"



She says, "I was in bed."



"In bed this early, doing what?"



"Getting a second opinion!"


(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)



A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.



He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his



wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.



One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home


and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts



at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"



His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,



shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."


(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

*****************************************

THE SILENT TREATMENT


A man and his wife were having some problems at home



and were giving each other the silent treatment.



Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife


to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.



Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece



of paper,"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.



The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it



was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.



Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he



noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."


Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[AustinBoston]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts
at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

Obviously exited by a woman.  Because the original had:

So he answered back "Oh, then we're both wrong.  I thought I was the father of nine.  Now I find out I'm the father of seven."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Only if the woman amputates something...  :yikes:

Austin