I love a good joke...

[Acts 2:38 girl]

I found this one in the Rubiks Cube link from the Viking...
 
There once was a lowly snail, who was busily crawling through the forrest one day when he happens upon a Leprechaun, perched upon a toadstool. The Leprechaun looks down at the poor snail, crawling on his belly all his life, and takes pity on him.

"Snail," he says. "I am going to grant you a wish. Whatever you want, you have only to ask."

The snail can't believe his luck! He thinks for a moment, and then excitedly exclaims, "Yes! I do have a wish! I want a brand new, shiny red Corvette Stingray!"

The Leprechaun at first thinks that this is pretty strange, but then, considering that he is talking to a snail, perhaps not.

"And" continues the snail. "I want a bright, golden "S" painted on the doors, the hood and the trunk of my corvette."

"You shall have your wish," responds the Leprechaun.

With the wave of his hand, the snail's wish is granted. And now, whenever the snail roars through the forrest in his shiny new corvette, with the big "S" on the side, all the other animals of the forrest say....

"Wow! Look at that crazy "S" car go!!!!"

[tlhdoc]

Lol!

[n2camping]

I must admit, it took me a minute to get it. I'm slower than my computer I guess.  BTW, I like your verse/name.

[AustinBoston]

I didn't like the joke at all.  Andrea, you are mean.

Let me explain.  I first heard this joke while a sophmore in high school, around 1975.  That was a long time ago.  It made me feel old.  (BTW, I didn't get it at first either.)

One of the problems with being middle age and expecting to be a grandfather is that you've heard all the jokes, so they just aren't as funny, and they remind you that you are old.

Anybody have a NEW clean joke, or have they all been told already?

Austin

[Acts 2:38 girl]

OLD??? HA!  Only as old as you feel!  Actually, I'm feeling pretty good about it - 95% of the time I am the one who bursts out laughing 5 minutes later    Usually it's right in the middle of church!  

BTW, I like your verse/name.

Thanks!

[lhuff]

One of the problems with being middle age and expecting to be a grandfather is that you've heard all the jokes,

Wait until you're past middle age, have reached old age and are the grandfather of nine.  The problem is no longer that you've heard all the jokes, but rather that everyone you know has heard all of your jokes.  Even when you hear a new joke, you don't get it until the next day and then you've forgotten it.
 
 Here's a joke I remember from my early days -
 Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a peasant did not offer him
 any food. When the donkey died of hunger, he said "I've had a great
 loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he died."
 
 Larry

[zamboni]

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila

[zamboni]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,

"We missed the 'R', we missed the 'R'."

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was 'celebrate'!"

[TheViking]

People that don't drink confuse me, when they wake up in the morning, that is the best they are going to feel all day.

[dthurk]

A Buddist was walking through Central Park one day and came across a hot dog vendor.  He went up to the man and said "Make me one with everything".

[ChisholmTrail-er]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and after finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
 
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed,

[n2camping]

A young man joined a monastery and agreed to take a vow of silence. At the end of ten years each monk was allowed to speak two words.
 At the end of his first ten years he was brought before the father and asked what he had learned to which he replied "Bed hard."
 At the end of his second ten years, again he was brought before the father and asked what he had learned, and he replied "Food cold."
 At the end of his third ten years again he was brought before the father and he replied. "I quit."
 To which the father said, "I don't blame you, you haven't done anything but complain since you got here."

[TheViking]

Did you hear about the two antenna's that got married?  The wedding sucked but the reception was great.

 
Or about the two cannibals that were eating a clown, one looks at the other and says: "Does this taste funny to you?"

[TheViking]

Did you hear about the two antenna's that got married?  The wedding sucked but the reception was great.

 
Or about the two cannibals that were eating a clown, one looks at the other and says: "Does this taste funny to you?"
 
 
And finally, a guy walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm and tells the bartender, I'll have one, and take one for the road.

[vjm1639]

Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a  hairdryer : Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of sweets:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap. (And that would be how?)

On some frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On a  dessert: Do not turn upside down.
*printed on bottom of the box* (Too late! You lose!)  

On a  Pudding packet:
Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment. )

On packaging for an  irono not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)

On  Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On a sleep medicine:
Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)


On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or
outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space? Or underground?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On  peanuts packet: Warning: contains nuts.
(Not to mention the nut who wrote the warning )

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open
packet, eat nuts.
(DDDUUUHHH)


On a childs superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)