I love a good joke...

[campingcop]

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi
just going by.
 
He gets in, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing.
You're just like Frank."
 
Passenger: "Who?"
 
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did
everything right. Like my coming along when you needed
a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every
single time."
 
Passenger: "Yeah. But there are always a few clouds
over everybody."
 
Cabbie: "Not Frank.
 
He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the
Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He
sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway
star, and you should have heard him play the piano."
 
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really
special"
 
Cabbie: "There's more.......
 
He had a mind like a computer. Could remember
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which
foods to order and which fork to eat with. He could
fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the
whole street blacks out."
 
Passenger. "Wow, some incredible guy"
 
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in
traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me. I always
seem to get stuck in them."
 
"Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
 
Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her
feel good. And he's never answer her back even if she
was in the wrong; and his clothing was always
immaculate, shoes highly polished too."
 
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
 
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
 
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
 
Cabbie: "I married his widow."

[campingcop]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While
> they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the
husband,
> "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here,
in
> the Holy Land, for $150."
>
> The man thought about it and said he would just have her shipped
home.
> The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
> home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would
spend
> only $150?"
>
> The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three
> days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance

[wavery]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While
> they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the
husband,
> "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here,
in
> the Holy Land, for $150."
>
> The man thought about it and said he would just have her shipped
home.
> The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
> home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would
spend
> only $150?"
>
> The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three
> days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance

You might like to download this small free program.

http://www.visual-mp3.com/review/6654.html

eClean 2000 has one feature other text editors don't: it removes formatting marks from email messages leaving only legible text remaining. It automatically removes forwarding/reply marks ">" and unwanted line breaks in sentences and paragraphs.

It comes out like this:
---------------------------------------
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and said he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance

[AustinBoston]

You might like to download this small free program.

http://www.visual-mp3.com/review/6654.html

eClean 2000 has one feature other text editors don't: it removes formatting marks from email messages leaving only legible text remaining. It automatically removes forwarding/reply marks ">" and unwanted line breaks in sentences and paragraphs.

Yep, I've told friends and relatives, "If it's not worth cleaning up, it's not worth forwarding..."

Austin

[campingcop]

Thanks.

Downloaded the program.

[campingcop]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland. "

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am."

The first guy says, "So am I.

And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I.

And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.

Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

The Murphy twins are drunk again."

[AustinBoston]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland. "



The Murphy twins are drunk again."

Take a look on page five...this joke was told back in February  :yikes:

Austin

[campingcop]

Take a look on page five...this joke was told back in February  :yikes:

Austin

Sorry about the AB guess I'll have to read more pages before I post. :banghead:

[vjm1639]

Sorry about the AB guess I'll have to read more pages before I post. :banghead:

Ahhh..that's ok...I just thought you were maybe drinking with them too!  It IS St.Patty's day!!!!!

[wavery]

The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollar is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: ?"I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know
what you're talking about."

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: ?"He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

[wavery]

Sign in Kaiser Medical Clinic waiting room:

[TheViking]

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Dave thought it would be nice to bring his wife Lori a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.

"That's a bit much," said Dave, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"Thats still quite a bit," Dave groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Dave grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror!

[TheViking]

Ok, a few Lawyer jokes. (Not directed at Dave or Lori)   LOL

 
Q- What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from a plane?
A-  Skeet.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

 
Q- Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A- To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!

[wavery]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
--------------------

Older Woman:: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer:: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Officer 2: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[TheViking]

The Hunchback of Notre Dame croaks so they need to find a new bell-ringer.

A guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it.
"But you've got no arms... you can't do this job!" says the church leader.
The new applicant shouts back - "Sure I can... I'll do it with my mouth!"

So the church hires him and he starts his bell-ringing duties the next day.
He begins ringing the bell using only his mouth, but the bell is so heavy, it tosses him out the window to the ground and splatters him dead.

He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers around him.
"Who is that guy?" one person says....................

"I don't know says another, but his face sure rings a bell..."