I love a good joke...

[TheViking]

I went into the gas station today and asked for fivedollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

[zamboni]

THE BATHTUB TEST

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.







"No" said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.  Do you want a bed near the door or the window?"

[zamboni]

The Genie In A Bottle

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for... a good man."


The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the damn map again."

[zamboni]

Lessons learned from children

A Teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: Get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
 
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
 
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
 
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
 
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
 
"Very good," said the teacher.
 
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to his story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."
 
"That was a fine story Sarah.
 
Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
 
"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
 
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
 
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

[wavery]

I sent that one to my daughter. She's a 6th grade teacher. She emailed back and said that she has been laughing, sporadically all morning.

[Billy Bob]

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,
"What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150"

The robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors,
quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness,
string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool."
He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around,
and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the
perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"
The man responds, "About 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football,
NASCAR, baseball, super models, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the
robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks,  
"What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "ER, 50, I think."
And the robot says... real slowly...
   

"So............... ya gonna vote for Bush again?"

[zamboni]

OK... Friday night.  Apologies for these (and the next couple of posts!!!)...

Men Babysitting #1





Men Babysitting #2





Men Babysitting #3





Men Babysitting #4




Men Babysitting #5





Men Babysitting #6

[zamboni]

The Corporate Outhouse

[zamboni]

I know this does not affect most of us... but, how to tell when your ass is too small

[zamboni]

Last for tonight...

[campingcop]

Top 10 Reasons Eve was Created

10.  God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the
        garden because he would not ask for directions.
9.  God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate
      and hand him the TV remote.
8.  God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new
      fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to
      get one for  him.
7.  God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's,
      dentist or haircut appointment for himself.
6.  God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which
      night to put the garbage on the curb.
5.  God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would
      never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4.  As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he
      left his tools.
3.  Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when
     God caught him hiding in the garden.
2.  As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...
1.  When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
      scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."

[unitydnk]

[campingcop]

This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says
"Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper
replies "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"

...This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender
says,"What'll ya have..." The seal says, "Anything
but a Canadian Club...

...This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like
a beer and a mop..."

...A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The
bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $25." A
minute later making conversation the bartender says "We
don't get many gorillas round these parts" The gorilla
replies "I'm not surprised at those prices.."

...A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a
dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." was
the reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out
of his leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the
man said indignantly. "That's not my dog." was the answer...

 ...A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says,
 "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here..."

 ...A guy walks into a bar.   "OUCH!" he said...

[campingcop]

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna
called her minister.  "Reverend," she wailed,
"John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister,
"it's not half as bad as you think.  Every
marriage has to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Joanna.  "But what
am I going to do with the BODY?"

[zamboni]

OK, there are 2 parts to this.  One for the ladies, one for the men!


*********************************************************
Part 1:
---------


One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.

"Lord, I have problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a man, Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." Says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.  "What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know woman to woman."

*********************************************************



Part 2:
---------

One day, in the Garden Of Eden, Adam was lounging by a tree.  He breathed a deep sigh of boredom.  God spoke.

"Adam, what seems to be the problem?"

"Well, Lord, I look around me.  All the animals have a partner.  There are 2 birds, 2 squirrels, 2 rabbits, 2 sheep...  And I was thinking that I, too, would like to have a partner."

"Adam, you're right.  I tell you what.  I will create for you a woman.  She will love you and dote on you.  She will be at your every beck and whim.  She will honor you and cherish you and cook for you and clean for you.  She will be completely devoted to you."

"Ahhhh..." Adam said, leaning back against a tree, "That sounds absolutely wonderful!  But, what will it cost me?"

"Well, Adam, that is the catch.  It will cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam thinks about it for a minute.

"What can I get for a rib?"