A Joke Thread

[Russinator]

[Russinator]

[Russinator]

[Russinator]

[Russinator]

First-year students at the University of Alabama's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[Russinator]

Crawford, Texas - A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books were kept.

Both books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was devastated, since he was almost finished coloring the second one.

The White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer.

[Russinator]

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn.

He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. With his skin Already starting to blister, and seeing the severe pain he is in, the doctor prescribes an IV with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra Pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do him, Doctor? " ; It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

[wavery]

Retirement Choices:

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to k now you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You have worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter and construction.

You can Live in Texas where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traf fic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4 You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND, You can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

[Russinator]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring.

The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."

[wavery]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring.

The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."

ROFLMAO ......... :J That was a good one......

[Russinator]

Wavery, glad you liked it.

Russ

[Russinator]

I am selling my Barry Bonds rookie cards to the highest bidder. I bought the card in a complete set when I first moved to Upland.

The card is in Mint ++++ condition.  

I, for one, do not believe that Barry took steroids at any point in his career and believe he will be in the Hall of Fame someday.

Below is a copy of the card.

[Old Goat]

After having a candlelight dinner at a restaurant a young fellow and his new girlfriend sat in cozy booth with a bottle of fine wine. While lighting a cigarette for her he asked; " Do you smoke after having sex"? She quickly replied; "I really don't know, I have never looked."......

[Russinator]

Hey, Old Goat. That was funny!!!

Here's one that make me laugh - Russ

WHEN I WAS MARRIED 25 YEARS, I TOOK A LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "HONEY, 25 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLOND." NOW WE HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.
IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU ARE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."
 
MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD BLONDE, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.
 
AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES!

[Russinator]

Here's one for the ladies.



1. Men are like ..Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ......Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ...Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn .... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like .......Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ...... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.