A Joke Thread

[Russinator]

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened Criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U. C. L. A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky Ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

[Russinator]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
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In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
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On a Septic Tank Truck :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
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At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
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On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
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On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
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On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
 
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At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
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On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
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In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."
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On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
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At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right
place."
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On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
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On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
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At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
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Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
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At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
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In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
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At a Propane Filling Station ,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
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And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

[Russinator]

In the photos below, do you think they had too much to drink???  Russ

[Russinator]

At a marriage seminar held by the local Catholic church, the Priest, after congratulating Luigi on his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!

The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."

[Russinator]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.



The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.



Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.



The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:

"Oh Mom, you don't have to worry about that. I'm dating Susan!"

[Russinator]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do" The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:

"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.." The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:

"God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack-of-dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

[Russinator]

[Russinator]

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in '44; I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to!"

[Russinator]

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other.

One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down "Yea, why"?

The worker yelled back "His wife's here with his lunch."

[Russinator]

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a

classroom. The teacher was going to explain

evolution to the children. The teacher asked

a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree

outside?


TOMMY: Yes.


TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass

outside?


TOMMY: Yes.


TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see

if you can see the sky.


TOMMY: Okay (He returned a few minutes

later) Yes, I saw the sky.


TEACHER: Did you see God up there?


TOMMY: No.


TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see

God because he isn't there. Possibly he just

doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the

boy some questions.


The teacher agreed and the little girl asked

the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree

outside?


TOMMY: Yes.


LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass

outside?


TOMMY: Yessssss!


LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?


TOMMY: Yessssss!


LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the

teacher?


TOMMY: Yes


LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?


TOMMY: No


LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we

were taught today in school, she doesn't have one!


(You Go Girl!)

[Russinator]

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "Probably fishing with his buddies." The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

[Russinator]

Did you know that Eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darlin of 10 glorious years.He went looking and found her.She had been shot. Dead!

Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning, he decided that he must get himself another mate. But he just might like to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate.
 
He found a lovely DOVE and brought her back to the nest. The sex was OK, but all the DOVE would say is, "I am a DOVE I want to Love!I am a DOVE I want to love!" Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the Dove out of the nest, and flew off once more to find a mate.He found a very sexy LOON, and brought her back to the nest,again the sex was great, but all the LOON would say is ,"I am a LOON,I want to spoon! I am a LOON I want to spoon!" Egads,out with the LOON.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous DUCK,so He brought the DUCK back to the nest. Again the sex was great, but all the DUCK would say was...well ... You know ......

Scroll down.
 
 
No ...... The DUCK didn`t say THAT!!!!!  What an awful thing to think!

 
The Duck said, I am a DRAKE, you made a MISTAKE !

[Russinator]

A must read for Grandparents. Those who aren't will love it, too.



At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old
baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as
a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you
shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do
you understand all that?

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a
chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb
asshole' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your
grandmother".

[Russinator]

How Rubber Gloves Are Made

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves you can remember this...

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't," she replied.

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile........

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.........

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

[Russinator]