A Joke Thread

[Russinator]

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close: "No, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant."
..................
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher asked, "Do you know what pregnant means?" Sure," said the   young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
...............
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kep t the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
...........
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
................
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
................
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate out side on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
...........

[ScouterMom]

THIS WAS FORWARDED TO ME:  BEST diet story ever!!...


I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked me if I had a dog...( :confused: DUHHHH).

I was feeling a bit crabby  :Z so on impulse, I told her NO and that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital the last time. BUT, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head.   :yikes:  

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it.  I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it  works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The package said the food is 'nutritionally complete' so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.)

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said, "Oh NO!, I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me!"

I thought the tall guy in back of the line was going to have to be carried out of the store..... :p


Laura

[Russinator]

Wife: What are you doing?
   
Husband: Nothing.
   
Wife: Nothing ...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour!
   
Husband: I was looking for the expiration date.
   
--------------------------------------------------------------------
   
Wife: Do you want dinner?
   
Husband: Sure! What are my choices?
   
Wife: Yes and no.

[Russinator]

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The very blonde wife picked up the phone, Listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles From here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
-----------
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
Buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
Door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really Angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so,she is Overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
---------------
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy ... it's W."
-------------
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, "That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware ."
-------------
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
Ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
Reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
And a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde
Ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then
Sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come
Home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do
They do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

[Russinator]

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."

[Russinator]

Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the Mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."

The mother said, "Why, thank you, Johnny." Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the Mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great," said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be outta-luck if he needed glasses.

[TheViking]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from
San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose  truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car
and asked, 'Are you going to San Diego ?
'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a
 lift?'
'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three
hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two
chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to
the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so
I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could
you possibly take them to the zoo for me?

I'll give you $100 for your trouble.'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde. So the two
 chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the
 blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat
 belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving
through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was
horrified! There was the blonde walking down the
street and holding hands with the two chimps, much
to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road
and ran over to the blonde. What the hell are you
doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take
these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we
had money left over---so now we're going to Sea
World .'

[Russinator]

Viking, that was really funny.

Russ

[Russinator]

This is hilarious.  You really have to listen to this:  a person's response to a telemarketing call. Turn up your volume.  Wish I was that witty and quick thinking.

http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=lwzge004pk

[wavery]

Anyone need a new BBQ grille??

[wavery]

This is hilarious.  You really have to listen to this:  a person's response to a telemarketing call. Turn up your volume.  Wish I was that witty and quick thinking.

http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=lwzge004pk

OMG.......I thought I was going to die laughing. I started laughing.....fell outa my chair, the stupid bird started laughing because I was laughing......that made me laugh even harder.

I had to play the thing 3 times to get it all in..


That guys deserves a Grammy.......Oh No....I think I hurt myself.........

[AustinBoston]

OMG.......I thought I was going to die laughing. I started laughing.....fell outa my chair, the stupid bird started laughing because I was laughing......that made me laugh even harder.

OK, I don't know whether to go after you or Russ, but now one of you (and maybe both) are on my hit list.  I waited until the office was nearly empty, put my head phones on, and now I have to explain to my boss why I need a new keyboard.  :yikes:

Austin

[wavery]

LOVE STORY

I will seek and find you . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

[zamboni]

http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=lwzge004pk

For what it is worth, when I went to that website, my firewall immediately started going bananas about intercepting malicious "attacks".  I had to not only reboot my PC, but also powercycle my router.

[Russinator]

Glen/Kelly. I'm really sorry about that. I didn't have any problems with it.

I'm wondering and hoping that no one else did either.

Russ